When No One Chooses You

So, I posted this thought I'd been having on my facebook page. It caused quite a stir. I have even had friends calling and texting me to encourage me and admonish me to recognize that I am, in fact, chosen.

But here's the thing: I KNOW that.

What I posted was a very concise summation of some things I've thought about over the last few weeks. If you knew me really well, you'd know that posting passive aggressive things on Facebook is not me. You'd know that I don't consciously post things to get attention or have people feel sorry for me. So, I'd like a redo.

Let me explain how those words come to be in my thoughts. First, I have long thought about the difference between being alone and being lonely. In the stage of life I'm in, it's usually a matter of perspective. If I want to be alone, I'm simply alone, hanging out, enjoying aloneness (like I was last night- shopping, dinner, wrapping gifts by myself. It was great!). If I don't want to be alone but I find that I am, in fact, alone- then I feel lonely (ie: "No one has called to make plans. When I call they are busy. I wish I had someone to hang out with tonight"). Many marrieds are never alone (especially SAHM's), but feel lonely. This statement or thought process is not exclusive to me, or singles, or older singles. It applies to many. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.

When your emotions (which lie to you on a regular basis- Prov 19:21*) tell you that you're lonely, the gap between finding joy or sorrow in that space of aloneness can feel like the size of the Grand Canyon. You wonder how you'll ever cross the chasm of feeling okay about being alone. 

I have been there. Dear friends will attest that I have so been in that space. Am I there today? No! I am sure that God's plan for me is to obey him. I am walking toward all options, and each door has closed- aside from one. I am content and excited in where he has me. He has done great things! I have cried joyful tears over this last year at my "family of choice"- we did Christmas Eve Service together in 2014, Easter dinner together, many dinners and emails and texts, celebrated birthdays, cried over losses and ailing family. It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone. God has placed a wonderful community around me- proof of that is when I posted my condensed little thought on my wall, I got some encouragement and some pushback by some of those very same friends. 

I know that I am chosen. Chosen by God, chosen by my faith community. I know that choosing to walk in that community is hard, it takes effort, it takes patience- but most of all, it takes Christ's love, which covers it all.

I had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my laptop in college: "If you follow someone else, you are ignoring your own path." Of course, this was meant to encourage the reader to forge their own way, that our lives are what we make of it, etc. But I never read it that way. I took an opposite viewpoint: If I follow the Lord's leading, I am ignoring my own fleshly path, which leads to death." 

Much in the same way, When no one chooses you, the difference between alone and lonely is staggering. In my mind, I believe that the space between lonely and alone also has to do with pride. If I sit in a season of loneliness, choose to believe a lie over the truth, and look inward to my own shortcomings and failures- the difference is staggering. But, if I press into those untrue feelings, revealing what the truth really is, I know that alone isn't a bad place to be. It's an opportunity to give of yourself, to walk with others and enter into their loneliness as an encourager, sister, and friend. Many of my single and married girlfriends take a vested interest in the lives of those around them, discipling and encouraging those who are not as far along in life as they are- career, family, etc. It's an honor to watch this family of choice be the body of Christ to others! 

I have also talked with many first time moms (two of my dear freinds are first time moms!) about how alone they feel with learning how to be a mom, to take care of a little heart and soul, and still make time for others, or ask for help when they feel completely overwhelmed. All of these conversations, thoughts, and interactions formed my thinking about the difference between emotion and truth. As an extremely sensitive and emotional person, I have learned so much about deciphering between emotions and truth in my adult life.

All in all, these are the thoughts, conversations, and examples I have been thinking about over the last few weeks which prompted my post. I honestly was not lonely or sad when I posted, nor was I thinking solely of myself- as my language used in the post was inclusive of others. And if you reverse it: When you are chosen, the difference between alone and lonely is miniscule. The truth is that each of us is chosen. God has ordained each day in the short vapor that is each of our lives. When you choose not to believe the truth, or find that what you thought was true really isn't, that's when you can repent and believe. That's the beauty of trusting in the truth.

J'Layne

*Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Prov 19:21

Little Joys

God has been so sweet to me this past week. I had a very rough couple of weeks, and after sharing my struggles with my sending community and then in my last blog post, I really felt prayer at work in my life. I had peace, I felt joy- a deep, sustaining kind that escapes me many days.

I was at the post office one day last week, and stood in line with an African American lady. She immediately began chatting with me and I found out that she is an artist. She was mailing some finished work to a client. She gave me her card and then asked me to find her on Facebook as well. She asked what I did, and I was able to tell her briefly about Cornerstone. She hugged me and said, "Your face looks totally different when you talk about this place. I can see the joy lighting you up!" She then asked if I would please add her to my email newsletter. We continued to talk (hey we were waiting in line at the USPS in DECEMBER, people) and she brought up Ferguson and the demonstrations. We talked back and forth about what we thought. I spoke of racial reconciliation and the need for those who are not in the position of injustice to simply listen. Again, she hugged me, but this time with tears in her eyes. She said, "You know, I can see Jesus in you. You are a Christian, aren't you?"

I have no idea what the purpose of meeting this sweet lady was, but it strengthened and encouraged me that someone saw my worth in Him, not just in myself or the things I'm working toward. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not earning a salary when I move. I'm choosing to volunteer my knowledge and abilities for the good of God's glory in bringing hope to a broken country. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not going to save boxes of things to have in storage, because "you never know".  I'm selling/getting rid of anything I'm not taking, with the exception of 3 pieces of furniture that are family heirlooms. All the stuff I thought I cared about, I really don't. I haven't had a difficult time simplifying and getting rid of stuff yet, but I did cry while I was putting out my Christmas stuff. I think it's because I wasn't purely enjoying the moment, but I was also weeding through and trying to figure out how I could get a few things over to Kenya, and wondering if it was selfish of me to even attempt that.  What an overwhelming thought!

To be completely honest, I don't know that two years is all I will give. Two years away, and then back to "normal" sounds horrible. Two years is just the beginning, and only time will tell how God will direct my path.

I can see how all of that may sound surprising, but to me it makes perfect sense. I'll tell you what: you don't tell me what to save or keep, and I won't tell you how you have way too much stuff and you could probably live with less than half of it, ok? :)

This passage from James has encouraged me for years and years, through many different sets of circumstances. Yet it's always the truth, no matter the circumstance- loneliness, disease,  weariness, home buying, going to grad school, moving, and on and on I could go... hope it encourages you too.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:13-15

Letting Go

There have been more overwhelming days than not in the past two months of my life. Situations and circumstances have grated on every last bit of patience I possess. What follows is a true rundown of the frustrations I have been attempting to deal with.

For starters, I've been going to physical therapy twice a week for about 7 weeks now. My wrist isn't better yet. How long will I have to go until I can bear weight on it again? All from a dumb dog bite?!

My car has been in the shop for over 2 weeks at this point. I have taken it back three times to get issues taken care of that should have been done right the first time. As of today, I am in my 4th rental car. I can't tell you how many early mornings and late afternoons I've spent in dealership lobbies, rental car waiting rooms, and collision repair shops.

I sold a big chunk of my possessions last weekend and it feels freeing, I'm not sad about it at all- but there's just this twinge of thinking, "some big changes are coming". I'm not just talking about moving to Kenya either. It's more about the nomad life of "in between" - where I won't really have a home for 6 months or so- and even when I get to Kenya, I won't have a permanent home for another 5 months.

To top the entire thing off, I got sick. Two days before Thankgiving, my body just gave in to the weariness and stress and I am sick. I don't get to make the Mac and cheese or homemade rolls I wanted to make for my family. I don't get to make the yummy new pie recipe I wanted to try out for my last Thanksgiving in the States for awhile. I am sad.

I cannot tell you all how difficult it is to do this alone. People can certainly empathize with me, but at the end of the day, the weight of it all falls on me. To go to the therapy appointments, to ensure that my car is in working order, and to get proper rest so I don't get super sick. I know that the Lord is with me, working all things together for my good. I know his yoke is light and I should allow him to carry my burdens. I try. But I still feel sad. I still feel alone. This is hard. It's hard to come to the end of your patience.

I am so thankful for those who have checked in on me, given words of encouragement, prayed for me. I am thankful for the journey God has placed me on right now, even though it's not easy.  If we haven't talked in awhile, it's mostly because I'm trying to survive. And not complain. And do two jobs at once with excellence. Sometimes when there's not a lot of positive to say, I stay silent. I'm trying to be more open and let you in on the good and the bad, the delightful and the difficult. This is what I've been dealing with most recently. I would appreciate continued prayer and grace for where I'm at. The Lord will continue to renew my mind, and my emotions will realign with what is true, allowing me perseverance, patience, and strength to move forward, day by day.

When Riding in an Ambulance

This week was insane. Work is really ramping up, and so are my requirements outside of work. I somehow managed to completely book events for myself Monday-Sunday, with no. breaks. Who does that?! Crazy people, that's who. I can't even think my thoughts or feel my feelings, because everyone else's are all up on me.

Monday, my plans drastically changed form attending Perspectives to taking my mom to the ER. I know. Totally nuts. She really hurt her back and was immobile. My dad and I could not comfortably get her in the car to drive her ourselves, so we had to call 911 for an ambulance. It was stressful, because it wasn't a really immediate emergency... but we really needed that gurney! Within a few minutes, the ambulance, fire truck, EMT's and Firemen were all in my parent's living room. I ring checked every last one of those men, but I was too stressed to attempt to get one of them to notice me. Whoops.

My dad and I rode separately from mom, in my car. Little did I know, she was chatting those EMT's up for me, telling them all that I was single. Oh Lordy.

But here's where the humor turns into God's glorious grace and majesty- the EMT student, whose name is Lawson, was speaking with a slight accent. My mom asked him where he was from, and he nonchalantly replies, "I'm from Kenya." My mom gasped and told him, "My daughter is about to move there! What part of Kenya are you from?!"

It turns out that Lawson is from Nairobi, and has heard about Naomi's Village. He tells my mom to relay this message to me: "Tell her that she is doing a great thing for Kenya."

What. Is. Happening? In the same moments that I'm cracking jokes and remaining calm on the outside- only to be a complete mess inwardly, thinking about my parents and their health and how I won't be here to help if they need me- God shows His confirmation of my going to Kenya to my mom as she is on an ambulance driving to the Emergency Room. How amazing is our God?

O Lord, our Lord,

how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory above the heavens.

Out of the mouth of babies and infants,

you have established strength because of your foes,

to still the enemy and the avenger.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him,

and the son of man that you care for him?

Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings[b]

and crowned him with glory and honor.

You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;

you have put all things under his feet,

all sheep and oxen,

and also the beasts of the field,

the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,

whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

O Lord, our Lord,

how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8

Moving!

Some of you may have seen this coming, but I really wasn't certain until after I returned home and prayed more and got confirmation from others... here it goes:

I am moving to Kenya!

I knew when I went to Naomi's Village in 2013 that my interaction with the organization and their vision was far from a one time thing. I just didn't know what the extent of it would come to be.

This is the true measure of all I've learned about truly making Jesus ultimate and living with an open hand. This feels like the biggest thing I have ever done to be obedient.

I don't know all of the details yet, but here are the things I do know:

• When are you going?

I will be going in August of 2015, Lord willing!

• What will you do?

I will be an Assistant Headmaster at Cornerstone. I will be working in the details of teacher training, teacher evaluation, interventions for students, either remediation or extensions as needed, as well as helping to build the portion of students from the community who will be able to enroll at Cornerstone.

• Is this a paid position?

This is considered a missionary appointment. I will raise funds to pay for my living expenses.

• Where will you live?

Most likely, I will start out at the guesthouse at Naomi's Village. Cornerstone still has classes on the Naomi's Village campus, so it would be very easy for me to get to and from work each day. When the school building opens on its own land, I may move to another location.

• How long will you be there?

I have agreed to start out at a two year commitment.

• What about your house, car, and stuff?

I'm selling my house, car, and most of my stuff. 

• What about Hazel?

I don't know yet. I have had a few people offer to keep her for me, but the details of that have not been talked about or agreed upon. This is the hardest part of the whole move for me. I love my doggie- but not more than Jesus (I think)! (Sorry mom and dad- but we have FaceTime!)

• So, how can I help?

Well, first and foremost- pray for me. I am going through a lot of emotions right now and letting go of dreams and learning about the dreams God has for me. I am in the Sending Program and working full time (It seems I am ALWAYS learning/taking classes. Good Lord!)

Secondly, I will need to raise funds once the time comes. In the meantime, help build Cornerstone so we can add more kids from the Maai Mahiu community to each grade level. The vision for Cornerstone is so much bigger than simply educating the kids at Naomi's Village- but we need the building to make that happen. Run/walk in the It Takes a Village 5K on October 4, 2014. If you aren't local or you already have plans that morning, you can race from bed. Or you can just make a donation to the school's building fund on the Naomi's Village website.

I'm so excited to share this journey with all of you as it unfolds!

Slowly Adjusting

Yesterday was the first day I was excited to be at home. My brother and sister in law were coming over for dinner, and I was going to make it for them! They were also going to be getting their souvenirs that I picked up for them, which made me extra excited. I finished cleaning up the piles on the coffee table, and reduced my dining room table down to the small 2 seat version. I was able to lower both leaves after they had been cleared of papers, shillings, euros, to do lists, cards, and kleenexes. Sometimes cleaning up takes making a bigger mess before you can get everything back in order.

We had the best time at dinner. Tacos, talk, laughter, drinks. Nathan played his new drum, Morgan asked if I got her that scarf because it had her two favorite colors in it (of course I had, because I couldn't believe how perfect it would be for her).

This morning, I woke up feeling better than I had in days. Didn't even have to blow my nose. Things were looking up, people.

But then, it happened. A shock to my senses.

I went to the kitchen to fill up a water bottle- I knew I would get thirsty today, helping Carolyn move some classroom stuff. When I opened the cabinet, my olive green Nalgene was staring back at me. I was shocked. What was that doing in there? That's my Kenya water bottle. The one I used daily at Naomi's Village. The one I had purchased especially for this trip- last year I borrowed a Nalgene. This year, I decided to get my very own.

When at Naomi's Village, I often had stomach pains. Some to do with different foods (which all tasted delicious, but my body wasn't used to) and some emotional- fear, not knowing what the future held, and so on. Nurse Ann suggested I take more water (did you hear that? Take water, not drink it. Love her!) and even mix it in with Crystal Light for some added flavor and nutrients (does Crystal Light have nutrients? I dunno but it's delish!) Thank the Lord that the Powell's brought so. many. packets. of. Crystal Light. Since the Nalgene is semi-opaque, on days that I made Crystal Light to drink, John always wanted to know what I was drinking. Was it juice? Did it taste good? What did it taste like?Why didn't I have water? Could he have a drink?

I told him that I was drinking fruit flavored medicine to help my stomach (Remember, a NURSE told me it has nutrients). That was good enough for him, and then he would ask me through the day if I felt better, or if my tummy still had pain.

So, finding this offensive green bottle in my kitchen cabinet in Lewisville, Texas this morning was super weird. It seemed very out of place. But I realized that it wasn't out of place at all. That's the water bottle cabinet- Where we put all the water bottles. It's just that this specific bottle has one specific purpose- it's just for water 'on the go' when I leave home.

10,000 Reasons

I'm back in Texas. It's a weird feeling. I really want to be around people (one on one or in small groups, thankyouverymuch), but I don't really want to talk about Kenya the whole time. But that's what people want me to talk about. I can't really summarize 6 weeks into one conversation over dinner and drinks. It's too much. And to do it over and over and over again feels like torture. Because I loved every minute I was there. Even the minutes where I was lonely, angry, or frustrated. 

One of the most often sung songs at Naomi's Village these days is "10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)". We sang it as soon as we knew the Cornerstone Land was ours. My friend Bonface really loves that one. And I love it too. I loved it before going to Naomi's Village, because it reminds me of my Mama, whom I lost here on Earth in 2003, almost 11 years ago.


"And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore"


Even with Ovarian cancer, she believed in the Lord's goodness. For two years she suffered greatly, but there would never be a complaint uttered from her lips. Her food tasted like metal because of the radiation. She had sores on her body where the cancer literally ate through her (she claimed they were just "little old bedsores")- and she still did everything to be joyful and make others feel comfortable. On our last Christmas together, after presents were opened, food was prepared and eaten, and everyone was relaxing- Mama couldn't be found. I wandered around, until I found her laying on my aunt's bed, exhausted from the day's events. As I lie down beside her, she still had the strength to talk with me, ask me about the guy I was dating at the time (Allie that's for you), and how I was enjoying my freshman year at UNT. When she went to Heaven in August of 2003, I was there. I was with her in her and papa's bedroom. I was holding her hand for awhile. I watched her body release her spirit into the spiritual realm.


So, you see, Kenya and worship and memories of Mama are all intertwined. They're my life. It's hard to talk about one without the others. Please, don't expect me to share every detail of every moment of my six weeks in Kenya with you all in one sitting. You might be there awhile, and we might venture back in time 11 years! Please bear with me as I transition back into life in America. If I felt out of place before... wow. Look at me now.

Cornerstone has a Home!

It's been a long and secretive journey to get to the place we were today. It's been 18 months of land deals gone bad, paperwork failing to be produced, and unstable Kenyan land closings. Last Wednesday, Naomi's Village acquired 21 acres of land in the Maai Mahiu area to build the primary and secondary schools on. Bob and Julie took us to see it, and it took my breath away. The views these kids will have when walking to school, or glancing out the window, is beyond beautiful.

It became official on Thursday with the signing and delivery of the land deed, so we cheered and jumped and praised God for what only he could accomplish in this time of striving and working. To stand in a circle with Ashley, Allie, Bonface, Oscar, Fred, Tinkoy, Stella, Dennis, Jane, and John N. singing "Bless the Lord, oh my Soul" was a great reminder to thank the One who makes all things work out according to His timing. I have oftentimes forgotten to take note of that, even in my time here, that God is not on my time table, but rather I am on his. In fact, He is outside of time, something I've written about before.

Today, we took ALL of the school kids, the teachers, the NV staff, and the Mendonsas to check out the new land and to celebrate. It was the sweetest time, to see Nurse Anne rejoice with fervor and Auntie Flo burst into worship and appreciation for all God has provided. He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. We stood in a huge circle in the middle of the land, singing to the Lord as the kids and locals from the area gathered to listen and watch this group of Kenyans and Mzungus dance and shout and sing to our great God.

The Lord was merciful to me in that I'm leaving Kenya on Monday. The fact that I was able to be here when they celebrated with the teachers and kids was very special.  He didn't have to do that for me- I don't deserve anything special.

I will write another time about our teacher get together that we had this afternoon- I am still so raw and moved and teary about it- I can't possibly put it into words tonight.

Mount Longonot

You guys, I hiked up a volcano today! Me, Allie, and Ashley went to hike Mount Longonot, it is very near to Naomi's Village. I was super pumped to go hiking today, since I haven't been in awhile... since maybe the time me and Lissa hiked our way around America. I thought about that trip so many times today, and it made me miss my dear friend even more. We had some TIMES on that trip. I even brought the same giant heifer lady hiking boots for this hike today.

I, of course, was leading up the rear of the group, hefting and hoisting my way through thinning altitude air and as usual, I was sweating buckets. It wasn't pretty, folks. But you know what was pretty? Turning around every once and again and looking at just how far we'd come. When I thought my legs were going to fall off, or I was actually going to fall over from slipping in the volcanic ash that covered the trail- I would stop and turn. There were so many beautiful views of this amazing country that I would have missed if I hadn't walked through the tough terrain to see what has been left behind me.

Taking a breather.

Looking back along the way and seeing where we'd started.

Many times today, I thought of the old hymn, "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand..." And it literally was. I mean, I was slipping and sliding in this ash/dust/sand/dirt mix that just wouldn't quit. It reminded me that anything I pin my dreams and hopes on other than Jesus are sinking sand. They can chain me up, feeling like a prisoner in my own life, but Christ didn't come for me to believe that or feel that way! I feel nervous, yet empowered to step out and work toward more of what God is impressing upon me to go and do. Deep thoughts for a hike, I know- but I also yelled "Jesus take the wheel!" a couple of times, and also "Aye yi yi". So there's that.

It's also amazing to me that I would exert so much effort, to the point of breathing hard, having a difficult time talking, and ensuring that my gluteus maximus would be ever so sore- and it was FUN. Just another reminder of this truth: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Check out these amazing pics!

Almost there...

I did it!

The peak

Ashley, me, and Allie

Me and the peak, hanging out

Emoting the beauty all around me, duh.

Ashley and I

Allie and I

Last time looking out at the way we came

The most beautiful expression in the world. I make it all the time. Finally immortalized in print. Best part is, you can't see my hands. Because seriously, what ARE you supposed to do with your hand in pictures, I ask you?!?

Giraffe friends who eat at the base of the volcano.

Standing Firm

Something I've been studying and thinking on recently is what it means to stand firm. In having conversations with others, I have been hearing things like, "I just need to keep my mouth shut", or "I am not good at saying no", or "I don't like confrontation". I believe that we should be doing only what the Lord is leading us to do. Never should we be swayed by what we would prefer, or what we know would assist us in avoiding friction with others. 

I have so been in the place before where fear of man gripped me (or maybe I was gripping it?) that I made decisions based on what I perceived others may possibly think of me if I made one decision or another. Guess what that does? It chains me up, rather than frees me. 

As believers, we should be content to be ourselves because of who we are in Christ. We have been made new, and not because of anything we have done or abstained from. I think especially when we are among other believers, we should find the unconditional acceptance that goes with being adopted into God's family. Standing firm should not be a point of contention amongst the body. Answer this question for yourself: Am I showing the unconditional love and acceptance of the Father in my community?

This morning at devotion, Teacher Simiyu told this story: "There were seven men who were hungry, so they decided to find some fruit to eat. Two went walking, two picked the fruit, two brought it over, and one ate it- yet all were satisfied. How can this be? Well, two men were the legs, two men were the arms, two men were the hands, and one man was the mouth, all of the same body. Do the legs complain that they got no nourishment from the fruit simply because they did not chew it up? Not at all!" This really spoke to me as a reminder to consider others as part of one body, to show honor and love to those around you, not trying to argue about situations that don't matter in light of eternity, and to "get" for myself, rather than trying to give to others. These are actions and issues of the heart that I earnestly attempt to adhere to despite my flesh crying out to be noticed, congratulated, and catered to.

Here are a few verses that have encouraged me over the last few days:

You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the Lord will be with you. 2 Chron 20:17

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak. Eph 6:10-20

Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have. Phil 1:27-30

I exhort you to stand firm, show grace, humble yourself, and love others unconditionally. The only possible way to do this is through the strength of Christ.

What a Week!

This week has flown by. I can't believe it's Friday night already. I have really gotten into the groove of teaching in Class 2 and Class 3. Simiyu and David have passion and drive. It's an honor to be in their rooms each day and to work with our students on their reading skills.

Things got hairy on Tuesday night when I got sick. I had some sort of 24 hour bug, not because Africa- but because we went from having 3 people to 26 people in the guesthouse. i was sent to sleep in the infirmary so the bug didn't spread to anyone else. Luckily, no one else got the bug, I took Wednesday to recover. On wednesday afternoon, we got word that we would be getting a new baby boy, a one month old. Of course, I didn't go to pick him up because I was sick, but Ashley and Allie got to go along for a very exciting time. Unfortunately, as is more often the case than not here, the "abandoned" baby was not really abandoned- it was a scam. Ashley and Allie were heartbroken, having been there and held the baby and seen everything crumble before their eyes first hand. We talked about it when they got back, and we prayed for the sweet child, who as of yet has not been named by his biological mother. We also prayed for the mom and the others involved in the scam.  I don't know why God allowed that to happen, but I do know there is purpose in Him bringing this child to Naomi's Village attention. He will not leave us or forsake us, even the least of these, even an unnamed one month old baby boy, unwanted by his mother.

Thursday was our first day off. We went to Enashipai Resort in Naivasha, which is absolutely gorgeous. There's a spa, a restaurant, a pool, a coffee shop, a waterfall, and a lake full of hippos. We ended up taking an hour long boat tour to look at wildlife on Lake Naivasha, and it was a blast! We feasted on soup, salad, sandwiches, and fancy coffees. We had time to sit and talk, to think in solitude on God's vast creation, and to marvel at the beauty set before us as we enjoyed the day.

And today, it's already Friday- and what a packed day it was! I took my two 2nd graders to the dining hall this morning for an hour to do some intensive reading instruction. They. Were. Perfect! Polite, focused, making attempts to sound out unknown words- I had to teach them what the word "impressed" was! I gave many high fives and many fist bumps ending in explosions. It was so encouraging! I went to spend time in Class 3 after that, and we worked on (well they worked on) Kiswahili, and then CRE (Christian Religious Education). The lesson was about God's desire for us to be fair to one another, and how it saddens him when we treat each other unfairly. I find it utterly astonishing that the Kenyan government includes this as part of their compulsory curriculum... and yet in most Kenyan public schools, 5 out of 100 pupils in each grade level are actually taught the material. The juxtaposition of the important religious lesson and the reality of what happens in public school here is staggering. I am grateful to God that the kids at Naomi's Village have loving, compassionate teachers who teach every child and stick it out until the concept is mastered. They do not physically, emotionally, or spiritually harm the children in any way, which in and of itself, is miraculous. Beyond that, every child is learning and making progress. Cornerstone Teachers are not the norm in Kenya, and I'm thankful for that!

Naivasha Medium Security Women's Prison

So it's Thursday night here in Maai Mahiu, but it took me a whole day to process what happened when we went to the Naivasha Women's Medium Security Prison yesterday.

We went to do some outreach, bringing clothing for children and some school supplies. You may be wondering what business we had taking children's items to a women's prison. In Kenya, when a woman is incarcerated, her children go to prison with her. It's quite unbelievable to ponder that children are actually doing time along with their mothers. But then your gaze widens, and you think about Kenyan culture in a broader sense. Many of these women have children but are not married, or are no longer married. Women are disrespected greatly by the majority of men here. If women find themselves in the unsavory event of having to serve time in prison- who else would care for their children? Certainly not the man who raped them and impregnated them in the first place, or the husband and father who has abandoned his family. Truly, the best place for these children is with their mothers.

We arrived  in the afternoon, and walked through the sterile gated environment which these women see everyday. As we entered the prison yard area, the women stood and welcomed us with song. Their voices were loud and beautiful. We observed all types of women: young and old, short and tall, bone thin and more plump. They were clean, smiling, and all wearing a navy frock or pants and shirt with thin white vertical stripes. Seventy five women and twenty children live at the prison. We were welcomed very regally by the director, and she was also very kind. Her greeting of "Karibu sana", or "You are most welcome," was very sincere. She went on to say that the women at the prison, although they were serving a sentence, were dearly loved by the guards and other staff, and they were trying to teach them better ways to behave so when they are able to go out into the community, they will be successful and make better choices.

We gave candy to the kids who were there- some of the other kids were at school- but the littles were with their mamas. We left a big bouncy ball (think kickball) and a soccer ball for the older kids. We were also able to give each little child a new pair of shoes, supplies for school, and we left about 8 newborn kits- bags with a small shirt, a hat, a diaper, a burpcloth, and a blanket. Many women are pregnant when they enter jail, so they give birth while incarcerated and have nothing besides what the hospital provides. What just absolutely blows me away is that Naomi's Village does not clasp tightly to the things they are given- rather, they give out of what has been given to them- and even moreso, they give beyond what has been given to them. I mean, what kind of nonprofit gives good gifts to those in need- not simply the left overs or hand me downs that have already been used? This is one of the many reasons I love the Jesus I see in Bob and Julie so much. Their hearts are one with His- to give- to whomever has need- not just the sweet kiddos at Naomi's Village. This is Jesus' love lived here and now.

Once we were done with handing things out, Julie spoke to the women about the Gospel and the unconditional love of Jesus. The women sang beautifully again, and we were thanked most respectfully and prayed for by a young woman who had very good English skills. This led us to believe that she had previously had schooling, and she was bright. We found out that when she was in Grade 8, she stole a cell phone so she could make some money to pay her school fees. She was caught, and given 4 years in prison. This young girl was sitting next to a woman who was in jail for 5 years for abandoning her newborn child. You can see how different the crimes are, but how similar the punishments are. Mind blowing.

After the prayer of the young woman, we were invited to take a tour of the prison. The prison director showed us to a room where guards teach the prisoners how to do all types of handiwork for sale, so they will have some trades when they leave prison. There was embroidery, beadwork, crocheting, knitting- obviously, right up my alley! It was so great to see that these women were being empowered, regardless of the crimes they had committed. The prison director said that very few women return to the prison, so it seems they are doing better for themselves once their time has been served.

After we left the workshop, we were escorted to the prison director's office. There we were served the most delicious lunch! We were overwhelmed with the generosity and hospitality shown to us. Here we were, trying to serve these women and the guards who work with them, yet we were the ones being blessed. We had this amazing beef, pea, and carrot stew with the. most. delicious. chapati. I. have. ever. eaten. in. my. life. It was perfectly cooked, thin as a tortilla, and basically all around outstanding. To top it off, there was one Stoney (the best ginger soda I've ever had) and it was all mine.

The most amazing thing about this director was that she had worked in the Kenyan prison system for 23 years. That's 23 long years of loving, helping, and serving these broken women. She has only been at Naivasha for 18 months. It seems that the start of a great relationship has been formed, and it will only continue to get stronger with the identical visions of loving the unlovable and the oppressed.  Once we ate and thanked the prison director, we were back in the land cruiser, marveling at what our God has done and continues to do in Kenya. One step at a time, one child at a time, one woman at a time, standing up for what is right one by one. Kenya is changing- there is evidence all around me.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

African Children Deserve Better

Today was a great day. We went to celebrate Africa Children's Day in Naivasha, which is where the district office for the area schools is located. It took us about 30 minutes to get there from Naomi's Village. The best thing about today was: the event was starting at 8:30, we arrived an hour late... And we were still the first school there! Flo (the NV Social Worker) and I had a big laugh about that. Luckily, I knew some of the details about today because some friends from last years team got to go in 2013 so I was able to prepare Ashley and Allie. Info Point #1- if you have to use the bathroom, just don't. Don't do it. Info Point #2- many Kenyan school children will swarm around you wanting to touch your skin and hair. Do not be afraid.

One thing I wasn't prepared for was the 30 minute parade we walked with all the schoolchildren and teachers. We walked through the streets of Naivasha, declaring free compulsory education for all African children. There were signs stating, "Stop the Abuse" and "No More Rape". This event started in 1991. After 23 years, I wonder how much has really changed.

What I mean is this: we were sitting after the parade, listening to school after school recite poems and act out skits about children getting free compulsory education... And up walk two chokolas (street children)- a brother and sister. They were dirty, with clothing much too big for them, and certainly didn't belong to any of the school represented at the celebration. They see this gathering of children and adults, and walk up to have something to do on an otherwise ordinary Monday. And you know what happened? They were largely ignored for much of the day. No one spoke to them, no one paid them any mind at all- it was as if they were invisible. I am smiling and waving, like the crazy mzungu that I am- and all I get in return are wary stares from this brother and sister. The boy is about 7 and the girl is about 4. After awhile, I am given a seat under the shaded tent, near where these two children are sitting on the ground. I get the girl to come to me, but she knows no English. I pick her up and place her in my lap. The lady next to me helps me learn her name - it is, of course, Faith. This makes me well up with tears. I just hold her, patting her back, giving her hugs, stroking her face... She is dirty and has some sort of dry skin condition on her scalp. Her shirt is stained brown and is falling loosely around her shoulders. I just keep saying to her, "Nakupende, Faith." (I love you, Faith). She lays her head on my shoulder, and sighs deeply. I am sitting in here in the midst of a rally for free compulsory education, and I'm the only one noticing these two tag-a-longs?

When it was time to go, Faith would not let go of my hand. I had to get Teacher David to help communicate to her that it was time for us to go. All I could think of when I was with her was that I wanted to help her, give her something. Yet nothing I possessed at that moment would benefit her. Instead I attempted to give her an intangible something- love. I hope that she felt loved and comforted for those 30 minutes I was holding her.

Settling In

Today was our first "on the ground" day at Naomi's Village. We had church this morning, followed by a lunch with the Cornerstone Teachers, and a meeting discussing our role and how we would be working with the classes at Cornerstone. It was a great meeting with lots of questions, laughter, and talk. Of course, as happened last year, many teachers were surprised to hear the American teachers have similar problems in their classrooms as Kenyan teachers do- students who can't read as well as they should be able to, those who avoid completing work, those who have behavior issues.

I was asked many questions about Gifted and Talented students and we began formulating a list of students I should be testing based on teacher recommendations. I will be working mostly in Grade 2 with Teacher Samiyu- helping fill in some gaps that some students have in Reading. I'm also going to work in Grade 3 with Teacher David- managing classroom climate and student behaviors. I will be teaching art every Friday afternoon- my hope is to give the kids an outlet other than sports and playing with toys.

If you just read the last paragraph, you will see how perfectly God has formulated this summer specifically to my passions and niches within education. GT, Reading intervention, behaviorist approaches, AND art?!?! This is SO my jam. I can't wait to get in there and get started! My full schedule will begin on Friday, because Monday is Africa Children's Day, so we are taking the kids to the local celebration and they are performing. Tuesday through Thursday is the next round of Exams (Kenya has 3 rounds of exams per school year for each class).

This morning, I was reading in Luke, and just pouring over the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth- advanced in years, barren- and yet, God gave them John the Baptist in His perfect timing and will. I feel like I'm in this place- this unknown about my future, like if I say "yes" in one area, I'm giving up the opportunity for other things that I desire to come to pass. I'm just like, "why can't I have it all?" in typical selfish fashion. I have earnestly prayed for God to remove desires if they're not from Him, but they are still here, just hanging out in the corners of my heart. After reading about Elizabeth this morning, I know for certain: "For nothing will be impossible with God!"

My role is not to worry or concern myself with what might be, or even what might be missed. My role is to live with arms wide and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who made it all. If nothing is impossible when God is in charge, then I have nothing to fear. I need this reminder daily- hourly, even. All that I feel called to walk toward are not all things that run parallel to each other- some of them are contradicting each other at this very moment. Tonight, after a day full of planning and worship and teaching and making Skype calls happen- I know for sure that I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing today. I know tomorrow will be just as it should be. If I believe that, then I also must believe in God's goodness one year, five years, ten years from now.

Thank you for those who have been praying for us. We arrived safely to Naomi's Village and have been having a BLAST being the only 3 at the guesthouse. It will be so great to have more people from teams show up within the next week. I really think having this time with just us 3 has been very instrumental in bonding us together and helping us spend quality time together.

Allie, Paul, Me and Ashley enjoying lunch at Java House on Friday!

Malindi Macchiato from Java House- had one for you Megan!

Prayer Requests:
Praise- My foot does NOT hurt at all! I have been using my golf balls from Leslie and Ken, and the essential oils from Amy to assist with that issue- and it has been great! Please continue to pray that there will be no more pain.
Pray for my sleep. I have been sleeping so well, but I am waking up at horribly early times and not being able to go back to sleep, which makes me want to go to bed early the next night, but then I wake up early again. I am going to try to stay up until 10 tonight (Bananagrams marathon game!!!)

Travel Time

Well, we made it! We are at GraceHouse in Nairobi. We had a few fun adventures to get here! First, all of my close friends who went to Kenya with me last year surprised me at the airport for a mini send off. It was the best! Kathy made a "Jill Ann" sign and everything! There was even cheering involved, although some would say it was chanting, NOT cheering (boys). Lindsay, Megan, Deanna, Ryan, Bryan, Britt, Kathy, Grace, Kim, Carolyn and my mom gathered around Ashley and I , joined by her mom, dad, and brother, to pray for us as we were getting ready to go through security. I gotta say, it meant so much to me.

We had a great first flight from DFW to Heathrow, and made our connecting flight in plenty of time! That was an answer to prayer because it was a very short connection (55 mins) and we had to go through security again in London. We met Allie at the gate or our next flight and boarded with her. This is when things started to get... "interesting".

We had this lady on our flight who was screaming and yelling, getting in people's faces, and basically being an unruly passenger. At one point, there were 5 flight attendants and the PILOT talking to her. Umm, I'm sorry, I think he should, you know, be flying the plane right now crazy?!? Then, I was standing up near the restroom, trying to get my lil smokie toes to reduce in size- and I hear a flight attendant on the phone, saying, "yes, she's in the back far left. We need another person back here to watch her or she's going to punch someone else." Umm, what? someone else?!? who had already been punched? So weird.

Finally, we got to Nairobi, went through customs, got our bags... and found our driver. He had a four door white car to take us to GraceHouse. Here is a photo of how the logistics worked in that small car with our giant bags:

Allie and I were sitting on actual car seats, while Ashley sat on our laps- with a 60 lb duffel bag on her lap and pushing into my lungs. The driver had 3 bags piled up next to him in the front, and Allie had about 6 bags piled up next to her in one of the back seats. We were cracking up, getting real cozy, and taking our first of what I'm sure will be many zany car rides here in Kenya.

When we got to GraceHouse, the guard at the gate said to our drive, "Where are the girls?" We were so covered up, that he couldn't even see us. Hilarious.

We are now cozy in our room, in fact the same room I was in last year! We are all clean, warm, and ready for tomorrow's adventures- getting our errands run, and getting on the road to Maai Mahiu!

It Begins Again!

I am less than 24 hours from boarding the plane that will take me to my other home. It is finally time for me to return to Naomi's Village and live among dear brothers and sisters for 6 weeks.

The last 5 days have been a blur of fear, panic, excitement, love, laughter, tears, and a general sense of being in awe of God's timing.

First of all, I have been blessed with some of the most tender hearted and generous people in my life. Close friends, coworkers (teacher family!), and acquaintances have continued to offer help up until the very last minute- checks to go toward last minute needs, a bag of yummy snacks to take with me, friends going shopping for me (!!! This should so be a thing. I think it is, but I'm not actually fancy enough to know about it in real life), and the best roommate ever cleaning the house like a BOSS and then telling me that I am to leave everything on Wednesday- she will handle it. Are you even kidding me?!?! It is so humbling and makes me tear up (shocker, I know) to witness people banding together to assist me for the cause of bringing hope to the hopeless and change to the previously stagnant education system.

To pick up and go is much more than that when one is established- I have a home group, a house, a lawn, a dog, and three houseplants.... I can't just simply go. These pieces of me must be cared for, tended to, shepherded. So to those who are stepping up to help with home group- Paige, Chelsea, Rachel, and Mary- wow. Thank you so much. I know I will miss a great deal by not being with you this summer. I will be praying for your closeness and your community.

Those who are mowing my lawn to keep me from being the neighborhood jerk/ugliest lawn on the block- Ryan, Drew & Kristi, Mo, and Martin- you're awesome. I'm sorry if my weed eater breaks. It's just that I'm cheap, and it's janky. There's water and other yummies in the fridge for you.

To those wonderful, selfless, spectacular friends who are taking care of my Hazel girl- Carrie, Lissa, Carolyn, Morgan, Mom- words cannot express how relieved I am that you all will be taking care of her while I'm away. I'm pretty sure she's not even gonna miss me. But I want her back when I get home. No one can keep her.

Carolyn, the best roommate around, thanks for keeping up with house junk and checking the mail-not letting my Birchboxes melt in the steel case of death Lewisville calls a mailbox...watering my plants and taking care of the logistics of everyone shuttling Hazel around and coming to mow. I could never just go without your help.

As you can see- there have been so many that have stepped in to help send me. Without their commitment, I would not be able to go. I pray I will be able to help send you on a journey in some way down the road.

It's a good night, friends. Once on the plane, none of this crazy packing/getting out of school/shoving worry aside/stomachache/what ifs will even matter.

See you soon, Naomi's Village!


Prayer Requests: That our team (Ashley, Allie, and myself) would all make our different connecting flights so we can arrive in Nairobi together. Safety upon entering Nairobi

What is Truth?

I've been rolling the idea of truth around in my head for the last month. I have been hesitant to write on it here, simply because I don't know if I even have a grasp on what it means to fully know the truth. Oftentimes, it seems that sin, situations, and circumstances make true things untrue. I've been looking at these hard times in a different light over the past year, only by God's grace. When something sad or difficult arises in my life or in the life of a dear friend, my old response was to ask God, "Why? Why do you allow things to be hard? To cause fear and doubt and worry?"

The answer I seemed to be getting was not a direct answer to my wrestling, but more about who God really is. What has been happening in these times of wrestling for me is a remembrance, a looking back- noticing, savoring, and remembering all the God has done in my life or in the lives of others. So undeserved, yet gracious, good, and loving all the same. Reading in scripture about God's dealings with his people and his character and attributes has also proved to be a balm for my spirit. A few days before my friend Lore posted this blog, I was thinking about how instrumental it has been to remind myself of what the truth is- about God, about me in Christ, about His kingdom.

When all the feelings and all the emotions threaten to derail me off my path of seeking Him and instead turn to questioning his motives and doubting his goodness- that is when I have to remember what he has done, and what his promises say he will continue to do. Preaching to myself has been instrumental to my peace this year, and my sure confidence that God will complete his works.

Do you understand it?

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

I wrote this poem last weekend while I was sitting in the sanctuary, waiting for church to start. It's a little glimpse into the week in, week out feeling of loneliness that permeates everything about weekend services/ local church for me. Even though I see friends and chat with them a little, more often than not, I sit alone, speak with no one, and leave quietly. I don't want it to be that way, but fear gets in my way of interrupting others in their conversation, being told "no" if I ask to sit with acquaintances- and yes that has happened before- so although they are petty and silly, they are not unfounded. Nevertheless, the truth about who I am in Christ should make all that junk fall away like ash. But oftentimes, it doesn't. This was a way for me to confront my deceitful feelings while meditating on the truth.



Even though I am not alone
I sit in the crowd
and I am lonely.

I will not allow the enemy
to whisper
lies
of my worthlessness
to me.

For I have been bought
with a price
free to me
yet costly to my Lord.

So here I sit
swallowing the lump
in my throat
blinking back tears

Everything I feel
makes my head struggle
to believe the Truth
that my heart denies:

I am worthy (because He says I am).
I am loved (because He loves me).

He has to be Enough

On days like today, I normally am so down in the dumps, mad at the world, frustrated with myself. I woke up feeling awful, a sad continuation of yesterday. I had Very Important Things to get accomplished today, which requires A Game Status. I wore jeans on a day I wasn't supposed to, the Internet and Maverick messed up my testing sessions this morning, Pearson lost one of my kindergarteners' testing information in cyberspace. I forgot to run copies of the rubric for assessing 5th grader's semester research projects, and to top it off, we had a pot luck lunch today and I eat at 1 pm on Tuesdays- the last lunch of the day. You know what that means, right? That means- THERE'S NO FOOD LEFT. Boo. I was anticipating the worst, fearing for my emotional sanity, and prepping for a day from hell.

But God.

I don't have to be at my A Game, because my A Game is counted as filthy rags. He supported me, sustained me, helped me have a (mostly) good attitude, and I didn't cry. Miracle of all miracles. I had a great time with sweet little kinders, laughed a lot and celebrated a lot with my 5th graders who put everything into their amazing projects, and a lot of kids surprised me today by bringing money for shirts to support my Kenya trip.

Even on a day where I feel like I'm phoning it in, there is sufficient grace for me. What I can't do, he fills those gaps. I think the best thing about today was that I was under no illusions-I knew I was sucking hardcore. I couldn't try and pretend it was good or that I was making great things happen. Normally, I'm sucking but I've fooled myself into thinking I'm awesome, that I've  got it under control, and i know what I'm doing. More often than not, those gaps that are always there, but easily overlooked by me, are being filled by the Lord.