When No One Chooses You

So, I posted this thought I'd been having on my facebook page. It caused quite a stir. I have even had friends calling and texting me to encourage me and admonish me to recognize that I am, in fact, chosen.

But here's the thing: I KNOW that.

What I posted was a very concise summation of some things I've thought about over the last few weeks. If you knew me really well, you'd know that posting passive aggressive things on Facebook is not me. You'd know that I don't consciously post things to get attention or have people feel sorry for me. So, I'd like a redo.

Let me explain how those words come to be in my thoughts. First, I have long thought about the difference between being alone and being lonely. In the stage of life I'm in, it's usually a matter of perspective. If I want to be alone, I'm simply alone, hanging out, enjoying aloneness (like I was last night- shopping, dinner, wrapping gifts by myself. It was great!). If I don't want to be alone but I find that I am, in fact, alone- then I feel lonely (ie: "No one has called to make plans. When I call they are busy. I wish I had someone to hang out with tonight"). Many marrieds are never alone (especially SAHM's), but feel lonely. This statement or thought process is not exclusive to me, or singles, or older singles. It applies to many. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.

When your emotions (which lie to you on a regular basis- Prov 19:21*) tell you that you're lonely, the gap between finding joy or sorrow in that space of aloneness can feel like the size of the Grand Canyon. You wonder how you'll ever cross the chasm of feeling okay about being alone. 

I have been there. Dear friends will attest that I have so been in that space. Am I there today? No! I am sure that God's plan for me is to obey him. I am walking toward all options, and each door has closed- aside from one. I am content and excited in where he has me. He has done great things! I have cried joyful tears over this last year at my "family of choice"- we did Christmas Eve Service together in 2014, Easter dinner together, many dinners and emails and texts, celebrated birthdays, cried over losses and ailing family. It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone. God has placed a wonderful community around me- proof of that is when I posted my condensed little thought on my wall, I got some encouragement and some pushback by some of those very same friends. 

I know that I am chosen. Chosen by God, chosen by my faith community. I know that choosing to walk in that community is hard, it takes effort, it takes patience- but most of all, it takes Christ's love, which covers it all.

I had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my laptop in college: "If you follow someone else, you are ignoring your own path." Of course, this was meant to encourage the reader to forge their own way, that our lives are what we make of it, etc. But I never read it that way. I took an opposite viewpoint: If I follow the Lord's leading, I am ignoring my own fleshly path, which leads to death." 

Much in the same way, When no one chooses you, the difference between alone and lonely is staggering. In my mind, I believe that the space between lonely and alone also has to do with pride. If I sit in a season of loneliness, choose to believe a lie over the truth, and look inward to my own shortcomings and failures- the difference is staggering. But, if I press into those untrue feelings, revealing what the truth really is, I know that alone isn't a bad place to be. It's an opportunity to give of yourself, to walk with others and enter into their loneliness as an encourager, sister, and friend. Many of my single and married girlfriends take a vested interest in the lives of those around them, discipling and encouraging those who are not as far along in life as they are- career, family, etc. It's an honor to watch this family of choice be the body of Christ to others! 

I have also talked with many first time moms (two of my dear freinds are first time moms!) about how alone they feel with learning how to be a mom, to take care of a little heart and soul, and still make time for others, or ask for help when they feel completely overwhelmed. All of these conversations, thoughts, and interactions formed my thinking about the difference between emotion and truth. As an extremely sensitive and emotional person, I have learned so much about deciphering between emotions and truth in my adult life.

All in all, these are the thoughts, conversations, and examples I have been thinking about over the last few weeks which prompted my post. I honestly was not lonely or sad when I posted, nor was I thinking solely of myself- as my language used in the post was inclusive of others. And if you reverse it: When you are chosen, the difference between alone and lonely is miniscule. The truth is that each of us is chosen. God has ordained each day in the short vapor that is each of our lives. When you choose not to believe the truth, or find that what you thought was true really isn't, that's when you can repent and believe. That's the beauty of trusting in the truth.

J'Layne

*Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Prov 19:21

Little Joys

God has been so sweet to me this past week. I had a very rough couple of weeks, and after sharing my struggles with my sending community and then in my last blog post, I really felt prayer at work in my life. I had peace, I felt joy- a deep, sustaining kind that escapes me many days.

I was at the post office one day last week, and stood in line with an African American lady. She immediately began chatting with me and I found out that she is an artist. She was mailing some finished work to a client. She gave me her card and then asked me to find her on Facebook as well. She asked what I did, and I was able to tell her briefly about Cornerstone. She hugged me and said, "Your face looks totally different when you talk about this place. I can see the joy lighting you up!" She then asked if I would please add her to my email newsletter. We continued to talk (hey we were waiting in line at the USPS in DECEMBER, people) and she brought up Ferguson and the demonstrations. We talked back and forth about what we thought. I spoke of racial reconciliation and the need for those who are not in the position of injustice to simply listen. Again, she hugged me, but this time with tears in her eyes. She said, "You know, I can see Jesus in you. You are a Christian, aren't you?"

I have no idea what the purpose of meeting this sweet lady was, but it strengthened and encouraged me that someone saw my worth in Him, not just in myself or the things I'm working toward. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not earning a salary when I move. I'm choosing to volunteer my knowledge and abilities for the good of God's glory in bringing hope to a broken country. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not going to save boxes of things to have in storage, because "you never know".  I'm selling/getting rid of anything I'm not taking, with the exception of 3 pieces of furniture that are family heirlooms. All the stuff I thought I cared about, I really don't. I haven't had a difficult time simplifying and getting rid of stuff yet, but I did cry while I was putting out my Christmas stuff. I think it's because I wasn't purely enjoying the moment, but I was also weeding through and trying to figure out how I could get a few things over to Kenya, and wondering if it was selfish of me to even attempt that.  What an overwhelming thought!

To be completely honest, I don't know that two years is all I will give. Two years away, and then back to "normal" sounds horrible. Two years is just the beginning, and only time will tell how God will direct my path.

I can see how all of that may sound surprising, but to me it makes perfect sense. I'll tell you what: you don't tell me what to save or keep, and I won't tell you how you have way too much stuff and you could probably live with less than half of it, ok? :)

This passage from James has encouraged me for years and years, through many different sets of circumstances. Yet it's always the truth, no matter the circumstance- loneliness, disease,  weariness, home buying, going to grad school, moving, and on and on I could go... hope it encourages you too.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:13-15