Even more has changed in my life over the last 2 months than I could ever imagine.
I feel the call to lead adults. Not in the way I thought I would, what with getting my administrator's certificate and thinking I might be an Assistant Principal, or teach college courses. No, No...
God has consistently asked me to give up things that I love. First up: serving in Little Village. I LOVED serving in Little Village. It was a joy and an honor. For 2 hours each week, I got to feel like a mom, holding little babes, giving toddlers their snacks, playing with 4 year olds and reading to them as they snuggled into my lap.
Next up: home group child care. For the last 18 months, I have been privileged to be able to watch over 20 souls 3 Sunday afternoons a month, while their moms and dads fellowshipped. It is the best! We share prayer requests, pray for each other, talk about Jesus, play outside... like a home group for kids. Not only that, but these parents, these moms and dads- they treated me as one of their own in fellowship. They invited me to dinner, to fellowship nights, to go get snow cones after home group in the summer. They financially and prayerfully supported my trip to Kenya. They have cared for me well.
I also feel very secure in my singleness. I am not "waiting on the Lord"- simply put, he is outside of time. I know what he is asking of me, and I am making strides toward it... Of course, there is this guy. He's great. A friend. I feel a connection when he's around, like instant. And has the potential to be very deep. Which, honestly throws me. But I have no vain imagination about the situation. God will do what he's gonna do. And I'm just living over here, in single girl world.
I am still going to apply and hopefully interview for an AP job in February. Although my outlook on it is very different than it once was. If it is going to happen, it's going to happen. If not, it won't. I have settled on the idea that I will walk toward what I feel called to, and God's going to allow it or not.
I am applying for the Sending Program. I'm no longer waiting for my life to start to go serve the nations. My life has been started! For a long time, I just wasn't participating in it. Rather, I was moping around, feeling sorry for myself, letting life happen to me. No longer, my friends. I am going to walk toward this call, and see what God does with it. I have no idea how long I will go for, or when I will go- but I'm walking toward it. I'm just in the very very beginning stages of dreaming about what it might be like to teach in Kenya.
Just to be clear, these firm and confident landings I have made over the past couple of months have been rife with fear, tears, stomachaches, difficulty sleeping. Im not just out here floating on sunshine and rainbows. My fears, worries, and what-ifs have to come to the end of themselves before I feel firmly rooted in the truth.
I am starting a women's home group in January. Leading other women. If I get the AP job, I will be leading other teachers. I believe this transition from leading children (whom, lets' face it- automatically love their teachers/caretakers) to leading adults (who pretty much judge and criticize any authority) is a straight up lesson in finding my identity and worth in the Cross, and not in others' opinions of me. This is so excruciatingly difficult for me- tangible versus intangible, fear of man, control, anger- ugh, what filth. And yet, all of that has been redeemed and will continue to be redeemed.
