Today has been a day of examining my heart. I've looked at my fears, the places where I'm believing lies, and where I'm not trusting in the Lord to provide for my needs (and I'm exactly talking about the ones I think he needs to supply for me). I ultimately don't trust that his provision thus far has been completely good, because it's not everything I've ever desired... so, you know, it's been a looooong day.
Guys, I have three months left in Dallas.
Three. Months.
I will be gone almost all of July at MTI Training in Colorado. Then, on August 16th, I will be cashing in my one way ticket to Kenya.
Naturally, things are getting very tough. I'm starting to panic when I see my calendar open on my web browser. I'm starting to count the number of 7:15 services I get to attend before August arrives. I'm wondering about the number of times I get to see my people (and if those times will be quality times) before I head out. I'm wondering about how many more home groups I should visit before I go- how do I balance my time between things I want to do and a perceived need to do? I'm wondering if I even want to do a going away type thing- people are already asking. Is that something I am supposed to do for myself? I don't even know.
My emotions are shot- mostly from processing the goodbyes that are going to start happening, grieving the loss of my home here (and all that encompasses), watching highly hoped for dreams slip through my fingers, deeply deeply enjoying time with loved ones, and watching God provide again and again for what he has called me to at Naomi's Village. So when my heart is deceitful and can't be trusted-there's nowhere else to turn but to the God of my salvation. Here's where my encouragement came from today:
"See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thess. 5:15-18
My job and joy as a believer is to practice thankfulness for what God has done and what he's currently doing in my life. It's so easy to focus on that 'one area that I just know would change everything for the better' if he would only grant it- and ignore all the small, lovely, amazing things he brings forth in his generous way.
When life is weird and dumb and everything feels clunky and I'm afraid and confused and unsure- here's something I can preach to myself:
"He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it." 1 Thess 5:24
