God has been releasing me from other commitments. These are things that I did not want to give up. Things I greatly enjoy doing. Things involving the best people around- kids. But guess what? I can't do everything. Do I want to? You betcha! But is it actually possible? Nope.
As I've been preparing to leave my home group and start one of my own, I have been apprenticing in my group and I went to the HG Leaders conference. I wanted to get a feel for my role and what the expectation is as a home group leader. The teaching was outstanding. The materials provided will be such a help. I am really getting excited about home group and what it's going to reflect.
The Lord has really been impressing on me that I am to get into the practice of leading adults. This is admittedly terrifying to me. My experiences with leading adults in the past haven't been totally disastrous- but many a time they've felt as such to my sensitive heart. I have always felt an uncomfortable resentment tossed my way as I've been leader over adults old enough to be my parents. I've felt the unspoken disdain for someone "that much younger" leading the group. This greatly affects my confidence and my perceived ability to lead. Luckily for me, my identity is not in those that I've been appointed to lead. My identity is not in myself and how great of a leader I can be. My identity is in the One who gifts me with the personality I have, the talents to lead, and the will and desire to do so.
It has taken quite the full circle for me to realize that. Some panic attacks. A job transfer. Leaving the most amazing and wonderful group of friends and coworkers and students into an unknown new school. Finding just as wonderful and caring people at my new job as I had at my former job. Knowing that God placed certain people in my life at just the right moments to help me on my way to a new position. Wondering why I was asked to teach GT when I wanted to do Reading Recovery/Title I. Having GT be the driving force to help me get a transfer to a new school.
Through all the circumstances, the driving factor has been my open handedness. Was there also fear involved? Heck yes, and not a lot of bravery either. I basically cried, prayed and waited. And watched. You know what happened? God provided. There was no striving. No grasping tightly. And as these moments continue to pass, as sand through the hourglass, my fingers stretch ever wider, feeling every grain slipping, sliding through. And I marvel at their intricacy, the delicacy with with they land in my life, and then fade away, allowing new pieces to emerge.
As I walk away from some of my best loved moments, working in the nursery at church and getting to lead a kids' home group- I know God will provide new moments for me to love.
It has taken quite the full circle for me to realize that. Some panic attacks. A job transfer. Leaving the most amazing and wonderful group of friends and coworkers and students into an unknown new school. Finding just as wonderful and caring people at my new job as I had at my former job. Knowing that God placed certain people in my life at just the right moments to help me on my way to a new position. Wondering why I was asked to teach GT when I wanted to do Reading Recovery/Title I. Having GT be the driving force to help me get a transfer to a new school.
Through all the circumstances, the driving factor has been my open handedness. Was there also fear involved? Heck yes, and not a lot of bravery either. I basically cried, prayed and waited. And watched. You know what happened? God provided. There was no striving. No grasping tightly. And as these moments continue to pass, as sand through the hourglass, my fingers stretch ever wider, feeling every grain slipping, sliding through. And I marvel at their intricacy, the delicacy with with they land in my life, and then fade away, allowing new pieces to emerge.
As I walk away from some of my best loved moments, working in the nursery at church and getting to lead a kids' home group- I know God will provide new moments for me to love.
