I have been so encouraged in the Lord for the past 3 months, I'm like a whole "renewed" new creation Does that make sense? No? Let me explain. I've been a believer for a long time. Like, I remember asking Jesus into my heart when I was 5. I was baptized when I was 13- shout out to moms and pops for making sure I understood what I was doing.
I've been a new creation for most of my life- meaning alive in Christ, dead to my sin nature.
But I had gotten discouraged. Lazy at times. And reluctant to believe.
I wondered many times (wrongly) if I was just a better person, if I was just a little thinner and ate a little better, if I were less emotional...then would God bless me? Would things feel easier? Would life in general be less of a struggle? I probably wasn't married, and didn't have what I wanted because I was out of His will for my life. Luckily, because of some great friends (I'm talking to you, original women's home group!) I learned that my actions do not earn me more or less of God's goodness and blessings. My actions do help or hinder my sanctification, but have no bearing on my being justified through the cross.
Then came the scary, sad question: What if I never get the things I want? What if I'm never married, never a mom, never get to experience family other than dear old mom and dad (no offense guys! love you!)? Will God be enough then? WIll I abandon all I grew up believing and go out to get what I want for myself?
The answer to that question, after much wrestling and a few (okay a MILLION) tears, was no way. No way will I abandon the Truth that sets me free, the Light of the World, the Word. Everything in my life echoes creation in a way that those who have eyes to see and ears to hear can understand. The way friends rejoice and mourn with me, the way my mom encourages me, the way my dad teaches me. All are echoes of the love and care of the Father who gave his only Son for me. Even those who are orphaned see redemption in the way that all who believe are adopted as sons and daughters into the family of God.
I still struggle super hard. I just told my friend Amy last night that I don't think I'm ever going to get married- at least it feels that way most days. My dating life over the past six years has been a ton of awkward first dates with men 3-5 years younger than me, them making small talk and looking at the ground, while I just sit there and try to make them feel normal...AWESOME. Rarely a second date. There was one gem who dated me for two months and then just stopped calling. No explanation, no conversation....just silence. Winning!
And yes, it makes me sad. But I'm no longer shaking my fist at God and asking "WHY NOT ME?" Because the truth is, He is enough.
I still wonder why I feel so left out (sometimes, not all the time) when I try to do social things. I used to be a social butterfly. I consider myself pretty funny (working on the boasting, sorry), and easy to get along with. So why, in the middle of a room of people who I know quite well, do I feel unknown and lonely? It is the hardest thing in my world to combat. I have no idea if it's from remnants of a past abusive relationship, if it's the enemy trying to prevent me from having joy in community, or if I'm ALREADY the old weirdo who's so set in my ways, I make people uncomfortable (that can't be me, right?)
Anyway, I'm tired of the struggle. I know it's not going away. But these few lines in a song called Seek the Lord from the album Raging Strong have encouraged me so much the past few days:
"If God is who he says that he is, then He has done what he said that he has done. Which means that Jesus Christ is the risen son, and he sits enthroned as the sovereign one, king over his kingdom...
When demons see me, they see red, cause I've been bought with the blood that Jesus shed."
So, let's recap. I am tired of the struggle. The struggle that will not end. If it's not with these circumstances, it will be with something else. However, my faith cannot be shaken- not because of anything I have done or can do- but only because God is always good. Always good. Therefore, I am a "renewed" new creation. Hallelujah.
