He has to be Enough

On days like today, I normally am so down in the dumps, mad at the world, frustrated with myself. I woke up feeling awful, a sad continuation of yesterday. I had Very Important Things to get accomplished today, which requires A Game Status. I wore jeans on a day I wasn't supposed to, the Internet and Maverick messed up my testing sessions this morning, Pearson lost one of my kindergarteners' testing information in cyberspace. I forgot to run copies of the rubric for assessing 5th grader's semester research projects, and to top it off, we had a pot luck lunch today and I eat at 1 pm on Tuesdays- the last lunch of the day. You know what that means, right? That means- THERE'S NO FOOD LEFT. Boo. I was anticipating the worst, fearing for my emotional sanity, and prepping for a day from hell.

But God.

I don't have to be at my A Game, because my A Game is counted as filthy rags. He supported me, sustained me, helped me have a (mostly) good attitude, and I didn't cry. Miracle of all miracles. I had a great time with sweet little kinders, laughed a lot and celebrated a lot with my 5th graders who put everything into their amazing projects, and a lot of kids surprised me today by bringing money for shirts to support my Kenya trip.

Even on a day where I feel like I'm phoning it in, there is sufficient grace for me. What I can't do, he fills those gaps. I think the best thing about today was that I was under no illusions-I knew I was sucking hardcore. I couldn't try and pretend it was good or that I was making great things happen. Normally, I'm sucking but I've fooled myself into thinking I'm awesome, that I've  got it under control, and i know what I'm doing. More often than not, those gaps that are always there, but easily overlooked by me, are being filled by the Lord.

Changes...Take 2

Even more has changed in my life over the last 2 months than I could ever imagine.

I feel the call to lead adults. Not in the way I thought I would, what with getting my administrator's certificate and thinking I might be an Assistant Principal, or teach college courses. No, No...

God has consistently asked me to give up things that I love. First up: serving in Little Village. I LOVED serving in Little Village. It was a joy and an honor. For 2 hours each week, I got to feel like a mom, holding little babes, giving toddlers their snacks, playing with 4 year olds and reading to them as they snuggled into my lap.

Next up: home group child care. For the last 18 months, I have been privileged to be able to watch over 20 souls 3 Sunday afternoons a month, while their moms and dads fellowshipped. It is the best! We share prayer requests, pray for each other, talk about Jesus, play outside... like a home group for kids. Not only that, but these parents, these moms and dads- they treated me as one of their own in fellowship. They invited me to dinner, to fellowship nights, to go get snow cones after home group in the summer. They financially and prayerfully supported my trip to Kenya. They have cared for me well.

I also feel very secure in my singleness. I am not "waiting on the Lord"- simply put, he is outside of time. I know what he is asking of me, and I am making strides toward it... Of course, there is this guy. He's great. A friend. I feel a connection when he's around, like instant. And has the potential to be very deep. Which, honestly throws me. But I have no vain imagination about the situation. God will do what he's gonna do. And I'm just living over here, in single girl world.

I am still  going to apply and hopefully interview for an AP job in February. Although my outlook on it is very different than it once was. If it is going to happen, it's going to happen. If not, it won't. I have settled on the idea that I will walk toward what I feel called to, and God's going to allow it or not.

I am applying for the Sending Program. I'm no longer waiting for my life to start to go serve the nations. My life has been started! For a long time, I just wasn't participating in it. Rather, I was moping around, feeling sorry for myself, letting life happen to me. No longer, my friends. I am going to walk toward this call, and see what God does with it. I have no idea how long I will go for, or when I will go- but I'm walking toward it. I'm just in the very very beginning stages of dreaming about what it might be like to teach in Kenya.

Just to be clear, these firm and confident landings I have made over the past couple of months have been rife with fear, tears, stomachaches, difficulty sleeping. Im not just out here floating on sunshine and rainbows. My fears, worries, and what-ifs have to come to the end of themselves before I feel firmly rooted in the truth.

I am starting a women's home group in January. Leading other women. If I get the AP job, I will be leading other teachers. I believe this transition from leading children (whom, lets' face it- automatically love their teachers/caretakers) to leading adults (who pretty much judge and criticize any authority) is a straight up lesson in finding my identity and worth in the Cross, and not in others' opinions of me. This is so excruciatingly difficult for me- tangible versus intangible, fear of man, control, anger- ugh, what filth. And yet, all of that has been redeemed and will continue to be redeemed.

Like Sand Through the Hourglass

So many things have changed this last month. I have gotten real honest with myself, and opened my ears to what God is impressing upon me. 

God has been releasing me from other commitments. These are things that I did not want to give up. Things I greatly enjoy doing. Things involving the best people around- kids. But guess what? I can't do everything. Do I want to? You betcha! But is it actually possible? Nope.

As I've been preparing to leave my home group and start one of my own, I have been apprenticing in my group and I went to the HG Leaders conference. I wanted to get a feel for my role and what the expectation is as a home group leader. The teaching was outstanding. The materials provided will be such a help. I am really getting excited about home group and what it's going to reflect.

The Lord has really been impressing on me that I am to get into the practice of leading adults. This is admittedly terrifying to me. My experiences with leading adults in the past haven't been totally disastrous- but many a time they've felt as such to my sensitive heart. I have always felt an uncomfortable resentment tossed my way as I've been leader over adults old enough to be my parents. I've felt the unspoken disdain for someone "that much younger" leading the group. This greatly affects my confidence and my perceived ability to lead. Luckily for me, my identity is not in those that I've been appointed to lead. My identity is not in myself and how great of a leader I can be. My identity is in the One who gifts me with the personality I have, the talents to lead, and the will and desire to do so.

It has taken quite the full circle for me to realize that. Some panic attacks. A job transfer. Leaving the most amazing and wonderful group of friends and coworkers and students into an unknown new school. Finding just as wonderful and caring people at my new job as I had at my former job. Knowing that God placed certain people in my life at just the right moments to help me on my way to a new position. Wondering why I was asked to teach GT when I wanted to do Reading Recovery/Title I. Having GT be the driving force to help me get a transfer to a new school.

Through all the circumstances, the driving factor has been my open handedness. Was there also fear involved? Heck yes, and not a lot of bravery either. I basically cried, prayed and waited. And watched. You know what happened? God provided. There was no striving. No grasping tightly. And as these moments continue to pass, as sand through the hourglass, my fingers stretch ever wider, feeling every grain slipping, sliding through. And I marvel at their intricacy, the delicacy with with they land in my life, and then fade away, allowing new pieces to emerge.

As I walk away from some of my best loved moments, working in the nursery at church and getting to lead a kids' home group- I know God will provide new moments for me to love.

Tired

Well friends, I am tired.

I have been so encouraged in the Lord for the past 3 months, I'm like a whole "renewed" new creation Does that make sense? No? Let me explain. I've been a believer for a long time. Like, I remember asking Jesus into my heart when I was 5. I was baptized when I was 13- shout out to moms and pops for making sure I understood what I was doing.

I've been a new creation for most of my life- meaning alive in Christ, dead to my sin nature.

But I had gotten discouraged. Lazy at times. And reluctant to believe.

I wondered many times (wrongly) if I was just a better person, if I was just a little thinner and ate a little better, if I were less emotional...then would God bless me? Would things feel easier? Would life in general be less of a struggle? I probably wasn't married, and didn't have what I wanted because I was out of His will for my life. Luckily, because of some great friends (I'm talking to you, original women's home group!) I learned that my actions do not earn me more or less of God's goodness and blessings. My actions do help or hinder my sanctification, but have no bearing on my being justified through the cross.

Then came the scary, sad question: What if I never get the things I want? What if I'm never married, never a mom, never get to experience family other than dear old mom and dad (no offense guys! love you!)? Will God be enough then? WIll I abandon all I grew up believing and go out to get what I want for myself?

The answer to that question, after much wrestling and a few (okay a MILLION) tears, was no way. No way will I abandon the Truth that sets me free, the Light of the World, the Word. Everything in my life echoes creation in a way that those who have eyes to see and ears to hear can understand. The way friends rejoice and mourn with me, the way my mom encourages me, the way my dad teaches me. All are echoes of the love and care of the Father who gave his only Son for me. Even those who are orphaned see redemption in the way that all who believe are adopted as sons and daughters into the family of God.

I still struggle super hard. I just told my friend Amy last night that I don't think I'm ever going to get married- at least it feels that way most days. My dating life over the past six years has been a ton of awkward first dates with men 3-5 years younger than me, them making small talk and looking at the ground, while I just sit there and try to make them feel normal...AWESOME. Rarely a second date. There was one gem who dated me for two months and then just stopped calling. No explanation, no conversation....just silence. Winning!

And yes, it makes me sad. But I'm no longer shaking my fist at God and asking "WHY NOT ME?" Because the truth is, He is enough.

I still wonder why I feel so left out (sometimes, not all the time) when I try to do social things. I used to be a social butterfly. I consider myself pretty funny (working on the boasting, sorry), and easy to get along with. So why, in the middle of a room of people who I know quite well, do I feel unknown and lonely? It is the hardest thing in my world to combat. I have no idea if it's from remnants of a past abusive relationship, if it's the enemy trying to prevent me from having joy in community, or if I'm ALREADY the old weirdo who's so set in my ways, I make people uncomfortable (that can't be me, right?)

Anyway, I'm tired of the struggle. I know it's not going away. But these few lines in a song called Seek the Lord from the album Raging Strong have encouraged me so much the past few days:

"If God is who he says that he is, then He has done what he said that he has done. Which means that Jesus Christ is the risen son, and he sits enthroned as the sovereign one, king over his kingdom...
When demons see me, they see red, cause I've been bought with the blood that Jesus shed."

So, let's recap. I am tired of the struggle. The struggle that will not end. If it's not with these circumstances, it will be with something else. However, my faith cannot be shaken- not because of anything I have done or can do- but only because God is always good. Always good. Therefore, I am a "renewed" new creation. Hallelujah.

Go the Extra Mile...it's less crowded.

Alright. I've been having this conversation with many friends over the last couple of weeks. The one about spending my spare time doing stuff that matters. About living on purpose, and not wasting time- yet at the same time, being patient with where God has situated me. It's this tension, this moderation of sorts that I'm striving for Awesome but (sometimes) patiently waiting on a road, that seems to me to be pretty Average.

Also, I'm reading Jon Acuff's new book, Start. It' about punching fear in the face, doing work that matters, and getting on the road to Awesome instead of just Average. It's very encouraging, and makes a lot of sense. I'm less than halfway through, so I can't give my overall reflection yet, but it's cool that it fits right in with where I find myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it's that "spare time" that I feel like I'm lurking on the Average Road- and I don't like that. So I'm taking the principles of the book and not only applying them to my career, but also my volunteer/spare time.

And another thing, I'm reading Sheryl Sandberg's book, Lean In. Gotta say, I'm not loving it. I'm reading it because it's my book club's selection for this month- but I don't feel that it applies much to me and my work environment or situation. As I'm continuing to read it though, there have been a couple of nuggets that I've gleaned: "The ability to learn is the most important quality a leader can have." and, "I recognize the sheer luck of being born into my family in the United States rather than one of the many places in the world where women are denied basic rights. I believe that all of us— men and women alike— should acknowledge good fortune and thank the people who have helped us. No one accomplishes anything all alone."

However, in my mind, I don't chalk my life experience and culture to sheer luck- I fully understand that it was God who placed me in the family, town, state (Texas forever!) and wonderfully free country that I find myself in. On the other hand, I do agree that no one accomplishes anything all alone. This applies to many areas of life, more than just my work environment. I keep thinking about my amazing team that I get to labor with for the good of Kenya- and it makes me excited. I'm thrilled that I'm not tasked with doing that alone!

I got to have lunch today with a dear friend that I rarely see or make the effort to talk to. But you know what? We pick up where we leave off each and every time. She is a faithful friend and because our main commonality is our faith in Jesus, it's just...easy to talk. And she didn't ask me to tell her EVERYTHING. I appreciated that. Also, she loves chips and Mexican food. She's amazing! It meant a lot to be able to just sit and talk about "everything" without the pressure of wondering what she thinks of me, my beliefs, or my opinions.

Now, this evening, as I sat down to complete my grad school project, I flipped on the TV for some background noise. The movie UP was on. I spent the first 9 minutes of the movie crying my eyes out, watching the loss and regret of a cartoon character. I know it's silly, but it truly brought me back full circle to the book Start. Don't waste time on the road to Average. Stay Focused. Start. Be Awesome. No regrets.

So, I finished my project, and as I prepare to present it tomorrow, I know I am doing what I can do with today- with the time I was given today, I spent my time doing things that mattered- thinking about what's coming, while focusing on the now, and not being overwhelmed with what's to come.


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Quotes from:
Sandberg, Sheryl (2013-03-11). Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead  Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

So?

I keep thinking about "So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth".

Because of what? It says, SO the poor have hope. That means there is a reason for the poor having hope and a reason that injustice is quieted. The reason is God's steadfast love. The Bible says that he does great things- unsearchable things. Because of these things- the poor can have hope, and injustice is quieted.

I shared this verse tonight with the homegroup that I do child care for. The leaders asked me to do a lesson for everyone tonight, not just the kids. I was able to share what we did at Cornerstone, and some of the things God has put in my heart through this experience.

I talked about spending my time doing something that matters- about giving of myself beyond what my normal is. I talked about how this scripture in Job really spoke to me, reinforcing that "God is in charge of everything" (stolen from Little Village), that he is good, and he can do whatever he wants. We are invited along to watch him  do good work and participate in his redemptive plan, but he certainly doesn't need us. It was really cool that they wanted me to share with them. Many of the families donated to my trip- it was very neat to be able to tell them what they set into motion by sending.

It has also been especially encouraging to watch God bless my finances. Yes, I have had some unexpected expenses (I'm talking to you, AC Unit). But I found this quote on Pinterest, and ever since then I have really attempted to give any small amount- whenever I can, whatever it might look like.

Since that time, about 2 weeks ago, I have seen God allow me a multitude of ways to earn extra money. If you don't know, I'm in grad school, and I pay cash for it. This is great for avoiding debt for school, but it also means that I have considerably less to pay off other debt (credit card, car, house) which just hangs over my head like a storm cloud, inducing worry and stress and guilt. It's not a horrible amount- but debt isn't being a good steward, period. So, I'm always in the market for DIYing as much as possible, earning extra cash by doing odd jobs, mowing my own lawn, not going on major vacations, not eating out very often... you get the idea. So it has been absolutely amazing to watch God place me in situations to earn extra money- which is going straight into the savings account!

When I initially read the passage in Job, I was thinking globally of  "the poor having hope"-those in poverty, orphans, widows- but in my finances, I am finding hope by giving more. God isn't blessing me because I'm giving more. He's blessing me because he loves me. I am making room for being more generous, and it's allowing me to see beyond the black and white (and also a little red) of my bank ledger. I'm not holding tightly to my money anymore because of fear. I'm opening up my hands and pockets, and there's freedom there. There's hope there. Amen.

Doing our Part

I read an article today about how children who are sponsored statistically do better and go farther in life. Of course, it's all about hope. When a child has hope, the false belief that they aren't as valuable because of their position in life completely diminishes. This is great news! Naomi's Village has a core belief that "hope begins when a child belongs". It is amazing to me that these two positions on hope are so similar. Really, the belonging brings hope, and hope dramatically improves a person's belief in becoming something more. 

How are you cultivating hope in others' lives? Are you spending time with people who need a listening ear? Are you sponsoring a child? Are you participating in missions-locally or abroad? Are you spending time, money, or talent in something you believe in- something that brings hope? Serving those practical needs and instilling hope in the lives of the poor, the widows, the orphans- that is a shadow of the very real hope we find in Jesus.

Do people in your life know what you believe- that the Gospel brings that hope for those who trust and believe? Or do they simply know that you go to church on the weekend? We all know those two things aren't synonymous.

Welp, I clearly have some work to do. What about you?

As for me, I would seek God,

and to God would I commit my cause,

who does great things and unsearchable,

marvelous things without number:

he gives rain on the earth

and sends waters on the fields;

he sets on high those who are lowly,

and those who mourn are lifted to safety.

He frustrates the devices of the crafty,

so that their hands achieve no success.

He catches the wise in their own craftiness,

and the schemes of the wily are brought to a quick end.

They meet with darkness in the daytime

and grope at noonday as in the night.

But he saves the needy from the sword of their mouth

and from the hand of the mighty.

So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts her mouth.

Job 5:8-16