Living Again

In the space I'm living in these days, much of what I feel is temporary. There is a cleansing sense of sloughing off that which bogs down, encumbers, and settles. Then, there is the mourning- desiring things to remain as they are, despite the coming certainty of supernatural disruption. Mourning losses, mourning the deaths of dimmer dreams, and mourning change.

Another interesting phenomenon is the duplicity of emotion that exists in my heart. I have never had these two extremes of loss and gain exist in my soul at the same time. The knowledge that I am fiercely loved by a good father in Heaven matched with all dearly loved relationships that I must leave behind in presence, yet not in heart. Looking ahead to the woven fabric of God's good order and plan, yet turning around to say goodbye to lovely aspirations that aren't meant to be, for me- either ever- or just not at this moment in time. Being okay with certain unknowns and wretchedly asking "Why not, Lord?!" for others. 

Over the last three weeks specifically- with time to rest, breathe out, and resettle- I have rightly found my place of living instead of merely existing- which is what I felt that I was doing from Thanksgiving until recently. To be free from all of the frantic tasks of the last two months has been such a blessing. I am now finding a new rhythm of prayer, reflection, and conversation that I had been missing- and that I will again be missing in a few short months, I'm certain. That is, until the Lord gives me new and different community.

I have an odd sense of peace in this place- with deep sadness yet thankfulness in loss, but also with intense excitement and wonder at what is ahead. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6 ESV