Scattered Thoughts

Moving across the world is hard. There are so many unknowns to learn, and even within that, there are things I should learn but don’t know that I should know. You know? I have lived in Kenya for two weeks. I have learned basic things- how to light the stove, how to buy food, where to get the “good” cheese and real butter- thank you Jesus. I’ve also been reminded of cultural norms here that I’d forgotten since being here last year. Many times, to me, the phrases seem backward. I’ll walk into the market, and I hear, “Karibu, you are so welcome”- which just means, “Welcome, you’re welcome to be here and shop and find what you would like to buy” – but I automatically think: “Um, should I be thanking them for something?”

My first time at the market, I met Shosho Teresa (shosho is Kikuyu for grandmother). She has a tattoo in the same place that I do, so she showed it to me and told me of it’s meaning. She also kept saying, “You and me, we are the same.” And it’s true. We are. Despite our many differences, we’re both created in God’s image, and created for the same purpose.

 Something else that’s fun is that I have no vocabulary. I am talking with friends or asking questions and the words leave me- so then I have to do the describing thing like Catchphrase until someone figures out what word I’m trying to use. “What do you call that thing that’s like a fan but it’s not cold air, it just blows out warm air and you can’t leave it on for too long because it’s dangerous? Oh yeah! A space heater!” I feel SO SMART.

Many of my days thus far have fallen under the heading “settling in”. But to tell you the truth, I was settled in after 2 days. All the things I unpacked in my temporary house were in their place, I hung a few pictures on my wall, and grabbed the most basic necessities at the duka (small shop, like a convenience store). So most of this settling in has looked like waking up and wondering what to do that day, and how to accomplish it. I take walks, I visit the other missionary’s houses, I read, I knit. Sometimes I leave the previous day’s dishes undone (sorry mom) so that I have something to do in the morning when I wake up. It has been a struggle to feel useful.

The truth is, I’m the one who has needs right now. My role at the moment is not to be of use, but to be able to ask for what I need. To figure out life here. To know where to go to get the supplies I need. To have someone trustworthy help me buy a car. To learn to drive the roads that take me to Naomi's Village.

On the road to Naomi's Village

The truth is, I need this down time. I don’t really want it at all- because it’s so foreign to me. But it is good for me to live at a different pace of life- to adjust my expectations to fit the actual needs I have. Even after just two weeks, I cackle when I get a text from someone asking what time we should meet- that is literally not even a thing here. I cannot predict that. We might not even get together because the car might stop working, or there might not be an open seat for me to be able to catch a ride, or I might have a stomach bug that day.

Me with Cade, Josiah, Nate, Jaden, TJ, and Talia)
in the back of the Land Cruiser; we're heading to visit NV!

I am working so hard to fill my time with rest and household tasks and fun. I want to be hospitable, and to be for those around me what I desire for myself. And sometimes I’m doing that. But the fear of rejection is strong. It always has been for me. So sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I just invite and see what happens and try not to be terrified. I have also been blessed so deeply by being invited. There is a small group of people who live right around me- all working with different ministries- who have just been inclusive and thoughtful and I have been invited in. Trips to Nairobi, meals, joining in on whatever is happening- this encourages me to continue to try be that for others- despite the fear that I am not enough.

I'm getting acclimated in all kinds of ways to my new home. It’s hard, but it’s so good.

Joshua and Muthui with me in the Dining Hall at NV.
Joshua had just presented me with a flower;
much better than the dung beetle from last year!