Scattered Thoughts

Moving across the world is hard. There are so many unknowns to learn, and even within that, there are things I should learn but don’t know that I should know. You know? I have lived in Kenya for two weeks. I have learned basic things- how to light the stove, how to buy food, where to get the “good” cheese and real butter- thank you Jesus. I’ve also been reminded of cultural norms here that I’d forgotten since being here last year. Many times, to me, the phrases seem backward. I’ll walk into the market, and I hear, “Karibu, you are so welcome”- which just means, “Welcome, you’re welcome to be here and shop and find what you would like to buy” – but I automatically think: “Um, should I be thanking them for something?”

My first time at the market, I met Shosho Teresa (shosho is Kikuyu for grandmother). She has a tattoo in the same place that I do, so she showed it to me and told me of it’s meaning. She also kept saying, “You and me, we are the same.” And it’s true. We are. Despite our many differences, we’re both created in God’s image, and created for the same purpose.

 Something else that’s fun is that I have no vocabulary. I am talking with friends or asking questions and the words leave me- so then I have to do the describing thing like Catchphrase until someone figures out what word I’m trying to use. “What do you call that thing that’s like a fan but it’s not cold air, it just blows out warm air and you can’t leave it on for too long because it’s dangerous? Oh yeah! A space heater!” I feel SO SMART.

Many of my days thus far have fallen under the heading “settling in”. But to tell you the truth, I was settled in after 2 days. All the things I unpacked in my temporary house were in their place, I hung a few pictures on my wall, and grabbed the most basic necessities at the duka (small shop, like a convenience store). So most of this settling in has looked like waking up and wondering what to do that day, and how to accomplish it. I take walks, I visit the other missionary’s houses, I read, I knit. Sometimes I leave the previous day’s dishes undone (sorry mom) so that I have something to do in the morning when I wake up. It has been a struggle to feel useful.

The truth is, I’m the one who has needs right now. My role at the moment is not to be of use, but to be able to ask for what I need. To figure out life here. To know where to go to get the supplies I need. To have someone trustworthy help me buy a car. To learn to drive the roads that take me to Naomi's Village.

On the road to Naomi's Village

The truth is, I need this down time. I don’t really want it at all- because it’s so foreign to me. But it is good for me to live at a different pace of life- to adjust my expectations to fit the actual needs I have. Even after just two weeks, I cackle when I get a text from someone asking what time we should meet- that is literally not even a thing here. I cannot predict that. We might not even get together because the car might stop working, or there might not be an open seat for me to be able to catch a ride, or I might have a stomach bug that day.

Me with Cade, Josiah, Nate, Jaden, TJ, and Talia)
in the back of the Land Cruiser; we're heading to visit NV!

I am working so hard to fill my time with rest and household tasks and fun. I want to be hospitable, and to be for those around me what I desire for myself. And sometimes I’m doing that. But the fear of rejection is strong. It always has been for me. So sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I just invite and see what happens and try not to be terrified. I have also been blessed so deeply by being invited. There is a small group of people who live right around me- all working with different ministries- who have just been inclusive and thoughtful and I have been invited in. Trips to Nairobi, meals, joining in on whatever is happening- this encourages me to continue to try be that for others- despite the fear that I am not enough.

I'm getting acclimated in all kinds of ways to my new home. It’s hard, but it’s so good.

Joshua and Muthui with me in the Dining Hall at NV.
Joshua had just presented me with a flower;
much better than the dung beetle from last year!

Three Months

Today has been a day of examining my heart. I've looked at my fears, the places where I'm believing lies, and where I'm not trusting in the Lord to provide for my needs (and I'm exactly talking about the ones I think he needs to supply for me). I ultimately don't trust that his provision thus far has been completely good, because it's not everything I've ever desired... so, you know, it's been a looooong day.

Guys, I have three months left in Dallas.
Three. Months.
I will be gone almost all of July at MTI Training in Colorado. Then, on August 16th, I will be cashing in my one way ticket to Kenya.

Naturally, things are getting very tough. I'm starting to panic when I see my calendar open on my web browser. I'm starting to count the number of 7:15 services I get to attend before August arrives. I'm wondering about the number of times I get to see my people (and if those times will be quality times) before I head out. I'm wondering about how many more home groups I should visit before I go- how do I balance my time between things I want to do and a perceived need to do? I'm wondering if I even want to do a going away type thing- people are already asking. Is that something I am supposed to do for myself? I don't even know.

My emotions are shot- mostly from processing the goodbyes that are going to start happening, grieving the loss of my home here (and all that encompasses), watching highly hoped for dreams slip through my fingers, deeply deeply enjoying time with loved ones, and watching God provide again and again for what he has called me to at Naomi's Village. So when my heart is deceitful and can't be trusted-there's nowhere else to turn but to the God of my salvation. Here's where my encouragement came from today:
"See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thess. 5:15-18

My job and joy as a believer is to practice thankfulness for what God has done and what he's currently doing in my life. It's so easy to focus on that 'one area that I just know would change everything for the better' if he would only grant it- and ignore all the small, lovely, amazing things he brings forth in his generous way.

When life is weird and dumb and everything feels clunky and I'm afraid and confused and unsure- here's something I can preach to myself:
"He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it." 1 Thess 5:24

For the Love

Something really cool happened to me this month- something I've never done before, never been part of before. I was selected to be on a launch team for one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker! Her newest book, For the Love,  is releasing August 18th, 2015. I have had the privilege to read an advance copy of the book, as well as be connected with 500 other wonderful men and women from all over the world who are also reading the book along with me.

At first, I was unsure, because although I LOVE Jen, this book isn't about her. It's about the Lord. So I wasn't sure what I would find when I joined our Launch Team Facebook group: a bunch of Jen fans, people serious about the words we publish about our creator God, other aspiring writers... I just wasn't sure.

Let me just assure you, that this Launch Team is full of caring and loving people. There has been so much openness and confession and prayer requests and praise- it's really one of those things that has taken on a life of it's own. Pretty soon, the ladies on the team from DFW are coming to a meet up I'm hosting. We plan to discuss the book, meet each other in person, and just enjoy this short but fun season!

One more really fun connection is that there is someone on the Launch Team that I actually know in person prior to the Launch Team- Katie. We met at the Linger Conference, and she stayed with my friends at the #highchapelhouse while she was attending the conference. We found each other in the Launch Team Group, and that has been so cool and fun!

The book is now available for preorder, and I can't recommend it enough. You'll be so glad to have this arrive on your front stoop or delivered to your ereader!

Two other great options to start with if you haven't read Jen's other books are Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity and 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. These will tide you over until August 18!




*Disclaimer- These Amazon Smile links directly benefit Naomi's Village by donating a portion of the purchase price to the organization.

Good Gifts

I have been so encouraged in the Lord over the last two weeks, but today specifically... Just wow. I am seeing with fresh eyes that his creation is just beautiful- from our recent awesome snowy weather, to a friendly gesture offered on the way into a store- and even us, as persons. The human race, created in his image, continues to ask all around, to anyone or anything that will hear, "Do you hear what I have to say? Do you still love me?" When we understand that our Creator answers those questions for us with a resounding "YES!"- that's a good gift.

Late one evening, I whispered to a friend, "What if God makes me stay in Africa forever and I never get to get married?" To which she replied: "He's still good. He's better." And that's true. When what we desire isn't what God has for us right now, we question his sovereignty. We wonder what we can do or say or be to get him to do what we want. And you know what the truth is? No matter what the circumstances are, he is for our good. That's a good gift.

I was talking to another friend a few weeks ago about how bad settling is for our hearts. That we take what we truly don't want because we feel we deserve less than our dreams. So if we don't take the consolation prize then we'll never come close to what we really want because we know us. For example, I could have settled 10 years ago, 8 years ago, or 7 years ago and married a type of man that was funny, smart, prideful, dishonest, cowardly, abusive... you get the picture. I sure wouldn't be heading to Kenya and I sure wouldn't be able to walk in all that God has asked me to. That's a good gift.

On Monday, I will have to do a very difficult thing that I do not want to do. It's one of the bigger tests of my trust in God than anything else about my move. I have to give my dog away. I am so thankful that she is going to a great family, with a host of legitimate dog sitters, lined up and ready to help out, if needed. Being sad is my only issue. That's a good gift.

I also found out that two dear friends (TWO!) will be out to Naomi's Village/Kenya within my first four months on-the-ground. God is showing his tender love for me in that I will have sisters with me in some of these first on-the-ground moments: the blissful, the difficult, the lovely, the lonely. That's a good gift.

"Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

Matthew 7:9-11

Living Again

In the space I'm living in these days, much of what I feel is temporary. There is a cleansing sense of sloughing off that which bogs down, encumbers, and settles. Then, there is the mourning- desiring things to remain as they are, despite the coming certainty of supernatural disruption. Mourning losses, mourning the deaths of dimmer dreams, and mourning change.

Another interesting phenomenon is the duplicity of emotion that exists in my heart. I have never had these two extremes of loss and gain exist in my soul at the same time. The knowledge that I am fiercely loved by a good father in Heaven matched with all dearly loved relationships that I must leave behind in presence, yet not in heart. Looking ahead to the woven fabric of God's good order and plan, yet turning around to say goodbye to lovely aspirations that aren't meant to be, for me- either ever- or just not at this moment in time. Being okay with certain unknowns and wretchedly asking "Why not, Lord?!" for others. 

Over the last three weeks specifically- with time to rest, breathe out, and resettle- I have rightly found my place of living instead of merely existing- which is what I felt that I was doing from Thanksgiving until recently. To be free from all of the frantic tasks of the last two months has been such a blessing. I am now finding a new rhythm of prayer, reflection, and conversation that I had been missing- and that I will again be missing in a few short months, I'm certain. That is, until the Lord gives me new and different community.

I have an odd sense of peace in this place- with deep sadness yet thankfulness in loss, but also with intense excitement and wonder at what is ahead. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6 ESV

When No One Chooses You

So, I posted this thought I'd been having on my facebook page. It caused quite a stir. I have even had friends calling and texting me to encourage me and admonish me to recognize that I am, in fact, chosen.

But here's the thing: I KNOW that.

What I posted was a very concise summation of some things I've thought about over the last few weeks. If you knew me really well, you'd know that posting passive aggressive things on Facebook is not me. You'd know that I don't consciously post things to get attention or have people feel sorry for me. So, I'd like a redo.

Let me explain how those words come to be in my thoughts. First, I have long thought about the difference between being alone and being lonely. In the stage of life I'm in, it's usually a matter of perspective. If I want to be alone, I'm simply alone, hanging out, enjoying aloneness (like I was last night- shopping, dinner, wrapping gifts by myself. It was great!). If I don't want to be alone but I find that I am, in fact, alone- then I feel lonely (ie: "No one has called to make plans. When I call they are busy. I wish I had someone to hang out with tonight"). Many marrieds are never alone (especially SAHM's), but feel lonely. This statement or thought process is not exclusive to me, or singles, or older singles. It applies to many. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.

When your emotions (which lie to you on a regular basis- Prov 19:21*) tell you that you're lonely, the gap between finding joy or sorrow in that space of aloneness can feel like the size of the Grand Canyon. You wonder how you'll ever cross the chasm of feeling okay about being alone. 

I have been there. Dear friends will attest that I have so been in that space. Am I there today? No! I am sure that God's plan for me is to obey him. I am walking toward all options, and each door has closed- aside from one. I am content and excited in where he has me. He has done great things! I have cried joyful tears over this last year at my "family of choice"- we did Christmas Eve Service together in 2014, Easter dinner together, many dinners and emails and texts, celebrated birthdays, cried over losses and ailing family. It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone. God has placed a wonderful community around me- proof of that is when I posted my condensed little thought on my wall, I got some encouragement and some pushback by some of those very same friends. 

I know that I am chosen. Chosen by God, chosen by my faith community. I know that choosing to walk in that community is hard, it takes effort, it takes patience- but most of all, it takes Christ's love, which covers it all.

I had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my laptop in college: "If you follow someone else, you are ignoring your own path." Of course, this was meant to encourage the reader to forge their own way, that our lives are what we make of it, etc. But I never read it that way. I took an opposite viewpoint: If I follow the Lord's leading, I am ignoring my own fleshly path, which leads to death." 

Much in the same way, When no one chooses you, the difference between alone and lonely is staggering. In my mind, I believe that the space between lonely and alone also has to do with pride. If I sit in a season of loneliness, choose to believe a lie over the truth, and look inward to my own shortcomings and failures- the difference is staggering. But, if I press into those untrue feelings, revealing what the truth really is, I know that alone isn't a bad place to be. It's an opportunity to give of yourself, to walk with others and enter into their loneliness as an encourager, sister, and friend. Many of my single and married girlfriends take a vested interest in the lives of those around them, discipling and encouraging those who are not as far along in life as they are- career, family, etc. It's an honor to watch this family of choice be the body of Christ to others! 

I have also talked with many first time moms (two of my dear freinds are first time moms!) about how alone they feel with learning how to be a mom, to take care of a little heart and soul, and still make time for others, or ask for help when they feel completely overwhelmed. All of these conversations, thoughts, and interactions formed my thinking about the difference between emotion and truth. As an extremely sensitive and emotional person, I have learned so much about deciphering between emotions and truth in my adult life.

All in all, these are the thoughts, conversations, and examples I have been thinking about over the last few weeks which prompted my post. I honestly was not lonely or sad when I posted, nor was I thinking solely of myself- as my language used in the post was inclusive of others. And if you reverse it: When you are chosen, the difference between alone and lonely is miniscule. The truth is that each of us is chosen. God has ordained each day in the short vapor that is each of our lives. When you choose not to believe the truth, or find that what you thought was true really isn't, that's when you can repent and believe. That's the beauty of trusting in the truth.

J'Layne

*Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Prov 19:21

Little Joys

God has been so sweet to me this past week. I had a very rough couple of weeks, and after sharing my struggles with my sending community and then in my last blog post, I really felt prayer at work in my life. I had peace, I felt joy- a deep, sustaining kind that escapes me many days.

I was at the post office one day last week, and stood in line with an African American lady. She immediately began chatting with me and I found out that she is an artist. She was mailing some finished work to a client. She gave me her card and then asked me to find her on Facebook as well. She asked what I did, and I was able to tell her briefly about Cornerstone. She hugged me and said, "Your face looks totally different when you talk about this place. I can see the joy lighting you up!" She then asked if I would please add her to my email newsletter. We continued to talk (hey we were waiting in line at the USPS in DECEMBER, people) and she brought up Ferguson and the demonstrations. We talked back and forth about what we thought. I spoke of racial reconciliation and the need for those who are not in the position of injustice to simply listen. Again, she hugged me, but this time with tears in her eyes. She said, "You know, I can see Jesus in you. You are a Christian, aren't you?"

I have no idea what the purpose of meeting this sweet lady was, but it strengthened and encouraged me that someone saw my worth in Him, not just in myself or the things I'm working toward. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not earning a salary when I move. I'm choosing to volunteer my knowledge and abilities for the good of God's glory in bringing hope to a broken country. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not going to save boxes of things to have in storage, because "you never know".  I'm selling/getting rid of anything I'm not taking, with the exception of 3 pieces of furniture that are family heirlooms. All the stuff I thought I cared about, I really don't. I haven't had a difficult time simplifying and getting rid of stuff yet, but I did cry while I was putting out my Christmas stuff. I think it's because I wasn't purely enjoying the moment, but I was also weeding through and trying to figure out how I could get a few things over to Kenya, and wondering if it was selfish of me to even attempt that.  What an overwhelming thought!

To be completely honest, I don't know that two years is all I will give. Two years away, and then back to "normal" sounds horrible. Two years is just the beginning, and only time will tell how God will direct my path.

I can see how all of that may sound surprising, but to me it makes perfect sense. I'll tell you what: you don't tell me what to save or keep, and I won't tell you how you have way too much stuff and you could probably live with less than half of it, ok? :)

This passage from James has encouraged me for years and years, through many different sets of circumstances. Yet it's always the truth, no matter the circumstance- loneliness, disease,  weariness, home buying, going to grad school, moving, and on and on I could go... hope it encourages you too.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:13-15