When No One Chooses You

So, I posted this thought I'd been having on my facebook page. It caused quite a stir. I have even had friends calling and texting me to encourage me and admonish me to recognize that I am, in fact, chosen.

But here's the thing: I KNOW that.

What I posted was a very concise summation of some things I've thought about over the last few weeks. If you knew me really well, you'd know that posting passive aggressive things on Facebook is not me. You'd know that I don't consciously post things to get attention or have people feel sorry for me. So, I'd like a redo.

Let me explain how those words come to be in my thoughts. First, I have long thought about the difference between being alone and being lonely. In the stage of life I'm in, it's usually a matter of perspective. If I want to be alone, I'm simply alone, hanging out, enjoying aloneness (like I was last night- shopping, dinner, wrapping gifts by myself. It was great!). If I don't want to be alone but I find that I am, in fact, alone- then I feel lonely (ie: "No one has called to make plans. When I call they are busy. I wish I had someone to hang out with tonight"). Many marrieds are never alone (especially SAHM's), but feel lonely. This statement or thought process is not exclusive to me, or singles, or older singles. It applies to many. There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.

When your emotions (which lie to you on a regular basis- Prov 19:21*) tell you that you're lonely, the gap between finding joy or sorrow in that space of aloneness can feel like the size of the Grand Canyon. You wonder how you'll ever cross the chasm of feeling okay about being alone. 

I have been there. Dear friends will attest that I have so been in that space. Am I there today? No! I am sure that God's plan for me is to obey him. I am walking toward all options, and each door has closed- aside from one. I am content and excited in where he has me. He has done great things! I have cried joyful tears over this last year at my "family of choice"- we did Christmas Eve Service together in 2014, Easter dinner together, many dinners and emails and texts, celebrated birthdays, cried over losses and ailing family. It's so wonderful to know that I am not alone. God has placed a wonderful community around me- proof of that is when I posted my condensed little thought on my wall, I got some encouragement and some pushback by some of those very same friends. 

I know that I am chosen. Chosen by God, chosen by my faith community. I know that choosing to walk in that community is hard, it takes effort, it takes patience- but most of all, it takes Christ's love, which covers it all.

I had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to my laptop in college: "If you follow someone else, you are ignoring your own path." Of course, this was meant to encourage the reader to forge their own way, that our lives are what we make of it, etc. But I never read it that way. I took an opposite viewpoint: If I follow the Lord's leading, I am ignoring my own fleshly path, which leads to death." 

Much in the same way, When no one chooses you, the difference between alone and lonely is staggering. In my mind, I believe that the space between lonely and alone also has to do with pride. If I sit in a season of loneliness, choose to believe a lie over the truth, and look inward to my own shortcomings and failures- the difference is staggering. But, if I press into those untrue feelings, revealing what the truth really is, I know that alone isn't a bad place to be. It's an opportunity to give of yourself, to walk with others and enter into their loneliness as an encourager, sister, and friend. Many of my single and married girlfriends take a vested interest in the lives of those around them, discipling and encouraging those who are not as far along in life as they are- career, family, etc. It's an honor to watch this family of choice be the body of Christ to others! 

I have also talked with many first time moms (two of my dear freinds are first time moms!) about how alone they feel with learning how to be a mom, to take care of a little heart and soul, and still make time for others, or ask for help when they feel completely overwhelmed. All of these conversations, thoughts, and interactions formed my thinking about the difference between emotion and truth. As an extremely sensitive and emotional person, I have learned so much about deciphering between emotions and truth in my adult life.

All in all, these are the thoughts, conversations, and examples I have been thinking about over the last few weeks which prompted my post. I honestly was not lonely or sad when I posted, nor was I thinking solely of myself- as my language used in the post was inclusive of others. And if you reverse it: When you are chosen, the difference between alone and lonely is miniscule. The truth is that each of us is chosen. God has ordained each day in the short vapor that is each of our lives. When you choose not to believe the truth, or find that what you thought was true really isn't, that's when you can repent and believe. That's the beauty of trusting in the truth.

J'Layne

*Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand. Prov 19:21

Little Joys

God has been so sweet to me this past week. I had a very rough couple of weeks, and after sharing my struggles with my sending community and then in my last blog post, I really felt prayer at work in my life. I had peace, I felt joy- a deep, sustaining kind that escapes me many days.

I was at the post office one day last week, and stood in line with an African American lady. She immediately began chatting with me and I found out that she is an artist. She was mailing some finished work to a client. She gave me her card and then asked me to find her on Facebook as well. She asked what I did, and I was able to tell her briefly about Cornerstone. She hugged me and said, "Your face looks totally different when you talk about this place. I can see the joy lighting you up!" She then asked if I would please add her to my email newsletter. We continued to talk (hey we were waiting in line at the USPS in DECEMBER, people) and she brought up Ferguson and the demonstrations. We talked back and forth about what we thought. I spoke of racial reconciliation and the need for those who are not in the position of injustice to simply listen. Again, she hugged me, but this time with tears in her eyes. She said, "You know, I can see Jesus in you. You are a Christian, aren't you?"

I have no idea what the purpose of meeting this sweet lady was, but it strengthened and encouraged me that someone saw my worth in Him, not just in myself or the things I'm working toward. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not earning a salary when I move. I'm choosing to volunteer my knowledge and abilities for the good of God's glory in bringing hope to a broken country. It's a great joy to explain that no, I'm not going to save boxes of things to have in storage, because "you never know".  I'm selling/getting rid of anything I'm not taking, with the exception of 3 pieces of furniture that are family heirlooms. All the stuff I thought I cared about, I really don't. I haven't had a difficult time simplifying and getting rid of stuff yet, but I did cry while I was putting out my Christmas stuff. I think it's because I wasn't purely enjoying the moment, but I was also weeding through and trying to figure out how I could get a few things over to Kenya, and wondering if it was selfish of me to even attempt that.  What an overwhelming thought!

To be completely honest, I don't know that two years is all I will give. Two years away, and then back to "normal" sounds horrible. Two years is just the beginning, and only time will tell how God will direct my path.

I can see how all of that may sound surprising, but to me it makes perfect sense. I'll tell you what: you don't tell me what to save or keep, and I won't tell you how you have way too much stuff and you could probably live with less than half of it, ok? :)

This passage from James has encouraged me for years and years, through many different sets of circumstances. Yet it's always the truth, no matter the circumstance- loneliness, disease,  weariness, home buying, going to grad school, moving, and on and on I could go... hope it encourages you too.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:13-15

Letting Go

There have been more overwhelming days than not in the past two months of my life. Situations and circumstances have grated on every last bit of patience I possess. What follows is a true rundown of the frustrations I have been attempting to deal with.

For starters, I've been going to physical therapy twice a week for about 7 weeks now. My wrist isn't better yet. How long will I have to go until I can bear weight on it again? All from a dumb dog bite?!

My car has been in the shop for over 2 weeks at this point. I have taken it back three times to get issues taken care of that should have been done right the first time. As of today, I am in my 4th rental car. I can't tell you how many early mornings and late afternoons I've spent in dealership lobbies, rental car waiting rooms, and collision repair shops.

I sold a big chunk of my possessions last weekend and it feels freeing, I'm not sad about it at all- but there's just this twinge of thinking, "some big changes are coming". I'm not just talking about moving to Kenya either. It's more about the nomad life of "in between" - where I won't really have a home for 6 months or so- and even when I get to Kenya, I won't have a permanent home for another 5 months.

To top the entire thing off, I got sick. Two days before Thankgiving, my body just gave in to the weariness and stress and I am sick. I don't get to make the Mac and cheese or homemade rolls I wanted to make for my family. I don't get to make the yummy new pie recipe I wanted to try out for my last Thanksgiving in the States for awhile. I am sad.

I cannot tell you all how difficult it is to do this alone. People can certainly empathize with me, but at the end of the day, the weight of it all falls on me. To go to the therapy appointments, to ensure that my car is in working order, and to get proper rest so I don't get super sick. I know that the Lord is with me, working all things together for my good. I know his yoke is light and I should allow him to carry my burdens. I try. But I still feel sad. I still feel alone. This is hard. It's hard to come to the end of your patience.

I am so thankful for those who have checked in on me, given words of encouragement, prayed for me. I am thankful for the journey God has placed me on right now, even though it's not easy.  If we haven't talked in awhile, it's mostly because I'm trying to survive. And not complain. And do two jobs at once with excellence. Sometimes when there's not a lot of positive to say, I stay silent. I'm trying to be more open and let you in on the good and the bad, the delightful and the difficult. This is what I've been dealing with most recently. I would appreciate continued prayer and grace for where I'm at. The Lord will continue to renew my mind, and my emotions will realign with what is true, allowing me perseverance, patience, and strength to move forward, day by day.

When Riding in an Ambulance

This week was insane. Work is really ramping up, and so are my requirements outside of work. I somehow managed to completely book events for myself Monday-Sunday, with no. breaks. Who does that?! Crazy people, that's who. I can't even think my thoughts or feel my feelings, because everyone else's are all up on me.

Monday, my plans drastically changed form attending Perspectives to taking my mom to the ER. I know. Totally nuts. She really hurt her back and was immobile. My dad and I could not comfortably get her in the car to drive her ourselves, so we had to call 911 for an ambulance. It was stressful, because it wasn't a really immediate emergency... but we really needed that gurney! Within a few minutes, the ambulance, fire truck, EMT's and Firemen were all in my parent's living room. I ring checked every last one of those men, but I was too stressed to attempt to get one of them to notice me. Whoops.

My dad and I rode separately from mom, in my car. Little did I know, she was chatting those EMT's up for me, telling them all that I was single. Oh Lordy.

But here's where the humor turns into God's glorious grace and majesty- the EMT student, whose name is Lawson, was speaking with a slight accent. My mom asked him where he was from, and he nonchalantly replies, "I'm from Kenya." My mom gasped and told him, "My daughter is about to move there! What part of Kenya are you from?!"

It turns out that Lawson is from Nairobi, and has heard about Naomi's Village. He tells my mom to relay this message to me: "Tell her that she is doing a great thing for Kenya."

What. Is. Happening? In the same moments that I'm cracking jokes and remaining calm on the outside- only to be a complete mess inwardly, thinking about my parents and their health and how I won't be here to help if they need me- God shows His confirmation of my going to Kenya to my mom as she is on an ambulance driving to the Emergency Room. How amazing is our God?

O Lord, our Lord,

how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory above the heavens.

Out of the mouth of babies and infants,

you have established strength because of your foes,

to still the enemy and the avenger.

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,

the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him,

and the son of man that you care for him?

Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings[b]

and crowned him with glory and honor.

You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;

you have put all things under his feet,

all sheep and oxen,

and also the beasts of the field,

the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,

whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

O Lord, our Lord,

how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8

Moving!

Some of you may have seen this coming, but I really wasn't certain until after I returned home and prayed more and got confirmation from others... here it goes:

I am moving to Kenya!

I knew when I went to Naomi's Village in 2013 that my interaction with the organization and their vision was far from a one time thing. I just didn't know what the extent of it would come to be.

This is the true measure of all I've learned about truly making Jesus ultimate and living with an open hand. This feels like the biggest thing I have ever done to be obedient.

I don't know all of the details yet, but here are the things I do know:

• When are you going?

I will be going in August of 2015, Lord willing!

• What will you do?

I will be an Assistant Headmaster at Cornerstone. I will be working in the details of teacher training, teacher evaluation, interventions for students, either remediation or extensions as needed, as well as helping to build the portion of students from the community who will be able to enroll at Cornerstone.

• Is this a paid position?

This is considered a missionary appointment. I will raise funds to pay for my living expenses.

• Where will you live?

Most likely, I will start out at the guesthouse at Naomi's Village. Cornerstone still has classes on the Naomi's Village campus, so it would be very easy for me to get to and from work each day. When the school building opens on its own land, I may move to another location.

• How long will you be there?

I have agreed to start out at a two year commitment.

• What about your house, car, and stuff?

I'm selling my house, car, and most of my stuff. 

• What about Hazel?

I don't know yet. I have had a few people offer to keep her for me, but the details of that have not been talked about or agreed upon. This is the hardest part of the whole move for me. I love my doggie- but not more than Jesus (I think)! (Sorry mom and dad- but we have FaceTime!)

• So, how can I help?

Well, first and foremost- pray for me. I am going through a lot of emotions right now and letting go of dreams and learning about the dreams God has for me. I am in the Sending Program and working full time (It seems I am ALWAYS learning/taking classes. Good Lord!)

Secondly, I will need to raise funds once the time comes. In the meantime, help build Cornerstone so we can add more kids from the Maai Mahiu community to each grade level. The vision for Cornerstone is so much bigger than simply educating the kids at Naomi's Village- but we need the building to make that happen. Run/walk in the It Takes a Village 5K on October 4, 2014. If you aren't local or you already have plans that morning, you can race from bed. Or you can just make a donation to the school's building fund on the Naomi's Village website.

I'm so excited to share this journey with all of you as it unfolds!

Slowly Adjusting

Yesterday was the first day I was excited to be at home. My brother and sister in law were coming over for dinner, and I was going to make it for them! They were also going to be getting their souvenirs that I picked up for them, which made me extra excited. I finished cleaning up the piles on the coffee table, and reduced my dining room table down to the small 2 seat version. I was able to lower both leaves after they had been cleared of papers, shillings, euros, to do lists, cards, and kleenexes. Sometimes cleaning up takes making a bigger mess before you can get everything back in order.

We had the best time at dinner. Tacos, talk, laughter, drinks. Nathan played his new drum, Morgan asked if I got her that scarf because it had her two favorite colors in it (of course I had, because I couldn't believe how perfect it would be for her).

This morning, I woke up feeling better than I had in days. Didn't even have to blow my nose. Things were looking up, people.

But then, it happened. A shock to my senses.

I went to the kitchen to fill up a water bottle- I knew I would get thirsty today, helping Carolyn move some classroom stuff. When I opened the cabinet, my olive green Nalgene was staring back at me. I was shocked. What was that doing in there? That's my Kenya water bottle. The one I used daily at Naomi's Village. The one I had purchased especially for this trip- last year I borrowed a Nalgene. This year, I decided to get my very own.

When at Naomi's Village, I often had stomach pains. Some to do with different foods (which all tasted delicious, but my body wasn't used to) and some emotional- fear, not knowing what the future held, and so on. Nurse Ann suggested I take more water (did you hear that? Take water, not drink it. Love her!) and even mix it in with Crystal Light for some added flavor and nutrients (does Crystal Light have nutrients? I dunno but it's delish!) Thank the Lord that the Powell's brought so. many. packets. of. Crystal Light. Since the Nalgene is semi-opaque, on days that I made Crystal Light to drink, John always wanted to know what I was drinking. Was it juice? Did it taste good? What did it taste like?Why didn't I have water? Could he have a drink?

I told him that I was drinking fruit flavored medicine to help my stomach (Remember, a NURSE told me it has nutrients). That was good enough for him, and then he would ask me through the day if I felt better, or if my tummy still had pain.

So, finding this offensive green bottle in my kitchen cabinet in Lewisville, Texas this morning was super weird. It seemed very out of place. But I realized that it wasn't out of place at all. That's the water bottle cabinet- Where we put all the water bottles. It's just that this specific bottle has one specific purpose- it's just for water 'on the go' when I leave home.

10,000 Reasons

I'm back in Texas. It's a weird feeling. I really want to be around people (one on one or in small groups, thankyouverymuch), but I don't really want to talk about Kenya the whole time. But that's what people want me to talk about. I can't really summarize 6 weeks into one conversation over dinner and drinks. It's too much. And to do it over and over and over again feels like torture. Because I loved every minute I was there. Even the minutes where I was lonely, angry, or frustrated. 

One of the most often sung songs at Naomi's Village these days is "10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)". We sang it as soon as we knew the Cornerstone Land was ours. My friend Bonface really loves that one. And I love it too. I loved it before going to Naomi's Village, because it reminds me of my Mama, whom I lost here on Earth in 2003, almost 11 years ago.


"And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore"


Even with Ovarian cancer, she believed in the Lord's goodness. For two years she suffered greatly, but there would never be a complaint uttered from her lips. Her food tasted like metal because of the radiation. She had sores on her body where the cancer literally ate through her (she claimed they were just "little old bedsores")- and she still did everything to be joyful and make others feel comfortable. On our last Christmas together, after presents were opened, food was prepared and eaten, and everyone was relaxing- Mama couldn't be found. I wandered around, until I found her laying on my aunt's bed, exhausted from the day's events. As I lie down beside her, she still had the strength to talk with me, ask me about the guy I was dating at the time (Allie that's for you), and how I was enjoying my freshman year at UNT. When she went to Heaven in August of 2003, I was there. I was with her in her and papa's bedroom. I was holding her hand for awhile. I watched her body release her spirit into the spiritual realm.


So, you see, Kenya and worship and memories of Mama are all intertwined. They're my life. It's hard to talk about one without the others. Please, don't expect me to share every detail of every moment of my six weeks in Kenya with you all in one sitting. You might be there awhile, and we might venture back in time 11 years! Please bear with me as I transition back into life in America. If I felt out of place before... wow. Look at me now.